Inconclusive IVD

I'm laying on a metal bed and the attendant is poking my arm trying to find a good vein. I start to cry a little I'm tired of the tests, no answers, inconclusives. She finally finds a good vein, she tells me what will happen once they put they dye into my bloodstream. I don't say anything. I lay there in an empty room hooked up to machines and I stare at the cracked ceiling. The bad plaster does not comfort me, no one holds my hand. They tell me when to breathe, they run their tests. My mouth tastes only like metallic, my legs feel like ants are running through my veins. I'm so damn tired, I haven't eaten in 48 hours. I don't want to move. After several hours, I pick myself up hoping this will be the last time I will be meeting with doctors, specialists, having appointments, having disappointments.

I will get answers.

I wait in another room, I fiddle my thumbs, I rest my head on my Dad's shoulder he tells me to go to sleep. They come back and tell me it's inconclusive, it's not my kidney's this time. Next step is to meet with my regular doctor, meet a new specialist, go to another hospital, more absence.

Absence;

Devotion no matter what the cost

I just want to be back sitting over the edge of that porch watching the swells and the moon. I want to be talking about nonsense and have you understand everything I'm saying because your eyes are so fixated on my mouth. I knew you understood, I threw my head back and laughed so hard as we spun around. Your friend dared me to run right into the waves and I did. We drove for four consecutive hours, not once stopping. We took every scenic route because we didn't have commitments, we worried about no one. Detaching ourselves from our pathetic existences back home. There always seems to be so much promise in the middle of the night, we have aspirations and dreams we don't talk about during the day. Afraid they will die when the sun rises.

Sans hermit

What it must feel like not to be so manic.
Oui.

what holds me up is gonna burn me in the turnaround

I had a dream where I went to your room
and I cut off my hand
and I let go of the blood
what were you thinking?
and were you just tired?
I was holding your hand while
you pushed the wheel forward all the way
falling like an aeroplane

Everything will wait as long as it has to it and it will

Call off all of your bets.

Ironically ironic

"You're trying so hard not to be what you already are, and that's okay because I really like who you are."

my body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one i love

My mind is a series of disconnected wires. I don't make any sense to anyone but myself, I can not explain my actions so I make up an excuse that I am crazy, I am not. But it's easier to just say that rather than try to rationalize what I do and say. I recognize what you are saying, but why should I have to hold back? Why shouldn't I be allowed to make these actions to say what I feel, am I not entitled? I am plagued by an illness I can not control, it controls my mind, but mostly my equilibrium. I just want someone to understand what this feels like, I wouldn't wish i t on anyone I just can't keep trying to go through this by myself. I am not producing as much blood as I should be, because I keep losing blood everyday. I wake up clutching my sides, I want to scream but I still get up, my daily routine is starting to take so much out of me. I go to bed at night more exhausted than I've ever been, and still...

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven
I'm living in an age
Still turning in the night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight
I'm living in an age
Realizing I'm dancing
With the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're still next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free