crashing like a tidal wave it drives me out to sea

Listening to her to her yell I am taken aback.

I feel my hands searching up my sides and my nails start pulling at my skin.

A little shiver runs up my legs and I think about the amount of damage I will inflict f I jump out of the car.

It is harder and harder to be around people who are so negative when I am just trying to get out of my own way.

I know that I can get through this because after one of the shittiest years, I survived for the most part unscathed with some abnormal and precancerous cells.

But, despite the words of others I know it isn't my fault and I didn't deserve nor expect to be so thrown.

I just wanted to go to the ocean yesterday, cry into the waves and have it all be muffled by them crashing down on me.

I want to tumble under the water without any control and come bursting up for air.

I just want to feel alive and well, I don't want medications or surgeries.

Axis

Lately as an escape I let myself drift away and I think about me, you and a shoreline. That's all I want, I want things to be simple and to just happen. I want to enjoy these last couple months before you go off without me in the fall. I really do feel sometimes like I'm in a war of my life, I am not allowed to talk to anyone about anything. But, I still tell you, I tell you everything and I wait anxiously for your response. You always support and standby me and I don't even know how I can doubt you for a second. I will just have to somehow keep my head up and I just can't let myself be broken down by this. At some point I need to start doing what is best for me regardless of whether I should have some sort of 'loyalty' to someone who shares my blood. I don't owe her anything, she doesn't deserve any part of me.

"Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me, for all of my trying we still end up dying, how can it be? Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me, 'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see, I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed.
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me. So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing,
silently screaming,"I have to have you now." Wired and I'm tired think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours"
John Mayer - Edge of Desire