A peculiar thing love does for people

Eyes hang low, I shift from one foot to another.
A foot in my mouth.
You can't hold someone's love for another against them.
But I will always hold your actions against you, you are accountable. You have to be.
My eyes fill up and I turn away I let it go
She says she can't do it anymore and that it doesn't matter she has no purpose
I try to reason, there is nothing.
I say sometimes you do things to benefit others and not yourself, that it's a good thing.

Axis

Lately as an escape I let myself drift away and I think about me, you and a shoreline. That's all I want, I want things to be simple and to just happen. I want to enjoy these last couple months before you go off without me in the fall. I really do feel sometimes like I'm in a war of my life, I am not allowed to talk to anyone about anything. But, I still tell you, I tell you everything and I wait anxiously for your response. You always support and standby me and I don't even know how I can doubt you for a second. I will just have to somehow keep my head up and I just can't let myself be broken down by this. At some point I need to start doing what is best for me regardless of whether I should have some sort of 'loyalty' to someone who shares my blood. I don't owe her anything, she doesn't deserve any part of me.

"Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me, for all of my trying we still end up dying, how can it be? Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me, 'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see, I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed.
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me. So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing,
silently screaming,"I have to have you now." Wired and I'm tired think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours"
John Mayer - Edge of Desire

Sore Ribs

"Love pull your sore ribs in
I will pull your tangles out
in the back of your car I feel like
I have traveled nowhere
what will bring me home
what will make me stay, stay
what will bring me home" Not Tonight - Tegan and Sara


I will hold you tight until the morning light floods in
I will kiss away all that hurts you
I will take away all that consumes
I just want you better, please feel better
I don't want to see your tired eyes, where are your bedroom eyes?

Gray Matters

The act of missing someone changes and alters over a lifetime. You start off as a little kid and maybe you miss your ratty stuffed animal or your parents when they're at work. You grow up a little and you really lose someone, and it shakes you to the core. It rocks your world, like an earthquake breaking down all your naive little walls in your head. You feel your first crack in your heart that sends pains that shoot right the fuck up your spine. You spend hours hugging your little body and whimpering off to sleep. Your father tells you to grow up, so you do. You create a little shell around you, and all these people they come and they go and some come back. It all messes with your head to the point where you think feeling numb is better than feeling too much. You get older and the more people you lose the harder it is to distinguish the gray.

battlewounds.

Hands in the dark, hands over my face. I want to curl up next you and just forget this. I want to forget the last two years and all that I wasted my time on. I didn't want to smell like him, so I scrubbed my skin raw. I hugged my knees and I bit down hard on my lower lip. I just wish that I could disappear sometimes. Or maybe I could just take that flight across the country, maybe that's how far I need to distance myself. 3,000 miles would surely be enough. I want to wake up in the morning pretending it never happened, but that's not realistic at all. I just wish you were here.

I wake up lonely.

I haven't been able to sleep for days and I realized it's because you're not here. So when I walked into your room yesterday afternoon it was too easy to just crawl right beside you in bed. I really missed you this week and it was weird missing someone that much because well, I don't normally do this. I don't let myself get to this point.



Everywhere and every way I see you with me.

exhaustion

"Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts "
Electric President, Good Morning, Hypocrite.

ptsd

I cried for the first time in a couple of months and it was strange. I was driving and all of a sudden a car came centimeters away from slamming into me. I freaked out, pulled over, parked and cried. I felt so awkward just crying in my car on the side of the road, but even the fact that I came that close to getting into an accident honestly, just sent me right over the edge. I miss his face, his lanky arms and his green eyes. I really would've liked to do something a little more productive. I studied, and then went to my dad's parents' house. I showed them several prints and pictures of the swim team, I love hear old stories about how they met. I really just want to wake up finish my photo assignment, develop my film, and visit colleges and walk around campuses. I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed as of late, I have no time to do anything and I want to drop a class. I know I can't and I should really just get the easy A, but that's so boring to me. I miss my friends, I miss New York and I don't know what's stopping me from just getting on a train and showing up at her doorstep.

I'm drifting way too far, my arms, my legs are too tired

I can't sleep anymore, my head is in a million places. I can't keep up with my own thoughts and I am trying to do everything right. But, I'm forgetful and I have selective listening. I really am trying I promise and this weekend I am excited to drive with my best friend across state lines and stay in someone else's house, to go on someone else's schedule and just close my eyes and forget. I have this idea that if I go there it will be just like summer, and maybe that's just me being too hopeful. When I roll over at four am to see that I have missed calls from you I always feel guilty, because I know you are there two hours away feeling exactly what I'm feeling, just wishing there was more than a dial tone on the other line.

A hundred times a day the yellow light turns red

Sometimes I find myself sitting in someone's passenger seat, and my mind is somewhere else entirely. I could be singing along to a favorite song, or laughing about something the other person said, but I am completely disconnected. My mother told me that I was lucky he left when he did, but I just can't rationalize that. I miss sporadic road trips to New Haven, Northampton and somehow finding myself slumped on the subway in New York. I miss cold nights in Spanish Harlem, I miss sipping alcohol on rooftops, I miss parties with the most awkward people you will ever meet, I miss incredibly intelligent conversations over cups of bitter coffee, I miss my friends dying my hair in my tub, I miss cutting all their hair, I miss going to the beach in the middle of March, I miss just hearing you say such simple words that had the power to knock the wind right out of me, I miss watching episodes of Scrubs in your bed until 4 in the morning, I miss drawing shitty little charcoal portraits, I miss dancing to music in his kitchen, I miss crawling up next to you and falling asleep with my head on your chest, I miss waking up in your room with you still sleeping soundly, the feeling of being safe, I miss smoking on the hammock in your backyard, I miss our novels we used to type each other to keep in touch, I miss your cousin's mansion, I miss you carrying me through out the park on a perfect spring day, I miss our slang and hand gestures. I miss that anxious fit that used to fill the pits of my stomach and spread like wildfire throughout my body when ever the promise of being near you or talking to you was even a possibility.

If I kiss you where it hurts would you feel better, better, better at all

Tonight was officially the last night of summer, it's sort of strange to be honest. I don't see myself actually going to classes tomorrow morning. But, unfortunately I will be in a statistics class at 9:30 am wondering why I decided taking this class was a good idea. I am seeing someone I haven't seen in a month on Tuesday for reasons I can't even tell you. It should be interesting and uncomfortable, but I'm still optimistic about it. I finger the bracelets on my right wrist, my only visible attachment left from summer other than my tan. I don't want it to end, but really I should sleep and not think about you anymore than I already am.

Quiet and rulely

No matter if the color is shades darker or if it's a slightly different model I still look inside, usually it's empty, but I still look hoping that one day we'll run into each other again. I don't know what it was about you that somehow got under my skin and literally pried it's way into my life, but it worked. And maybe this was all apart of your plan. After hearing those rumors I should have ran for the hills, instead it only made me want to help you and to be around you. I wanted to know if it was true.


our faces split the coast in half.
you somehow managed to split me in two.