For always

Dear You,

I thought I could make this easy. I thought I could somehow replace you with making myself busy, or by meeting new people, but it didn't really work out quite that way. For a short while I was preoccupied and I didn't let myself miss you. I realized they are no comparison or substitute for what we have or who you are. It helps to write it down. In case you had any doubts, or if you were feeling uneasy, know that I love you for always.

You are a song for me to sing, a string of verses that goes on & on

There's never really any right time to leave or any goodbye that will make you feel less alone after someone leaves. I remember freshman year absolutely resenting my boyfriend at the time for leaving and not saying goodbye. He just packed up everything and left, went to another country and then another. When we finally saw each other again, I understood. Goodbyes are just too hard.

And now it seems strange with my current boyfriend gone. We said two goodbyes, the first was honestly the most heart-wreching, gut-pulling, nauseous goodbye, because it just hurt too much. He forgot something and had to come back, the second time was better, in my head we were just hugging until next time. Next time being 3 or more months from now. But, I am actually doing a lot better than I thought, I guess it helps that I have never associated any songs with him or with us. Which was always the hardest part for me, after a break up, a passing or a goodbye the songs that I associated with them seemed to play on loop. Which is just awful because how can you not get sentimental?

I'll miss you all through the fall and into the winter

As the summer's light slowly dims, and the heat begins to recede it reminds me that my time with you is ending. It wouldn't be so hard if I got to spend your last weeks continuously with you, sleeping and living with you. After we started putting everything in its right place, it ocurred to me that we won't be sharing this bed, or this table. I will be living totally alone til the winter and I am scared. I am worried where my mind will wander, I am the most terrified of becoming paralyzed by depression. I want to be able to live and grow without you, but I almost feel guilty not being able to share it all with you. I am not really sure where I am going with this, I just hate the feeling of missing someone and knowing that if you really did need them they can't just appear. I don't awnt to miss you for months. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary alone or enjoy my favorite season, Autumn alone. I love Autumn and all of it's colors, but apart of me now loves it more because it's the time of year we met and fell in love. There won't be any apple picking or drinking hot cider together. Somehow I am comforted by knowing that when you come back from the military I will have you everyday to go to bed with at night and again to wake up to. By the end of winter you'll be back home, fingers intertwined with mine.

It's been awhile

I haven't written in awhile not even in my paper journals because I've been working and in the process of moving into my new apartment!

You stayed with me even after you were gone I saw you in my dreams, I saw you in the reflection of the water and I could've sworn it was real. I missed you so much it was starting to eat at me, I literally could not shut my eyes without replaying that Sunday and start to drift off. I don' know what things will be like when you come home, will you still be one of the best friends I have ever had? Or will we pretend that this whole year didn't happen? That you weren't my shoulder to lean on, that I wasn't the one person you told all your secrets to. It's so hard losing friends and even still heartbreaking when you lose a great friend. Someone who gives you as much as you give them, and you don't feel slighted for once.

Swing my heartache

I miss you to the point where my heart aches, it physically hurts. But, when you come home after a week, to me it is like nothing else. You kiss the bridge of my nose over and over, you kiss my cheeks. And I can close my eyes, I can roll over only to find your hand searching for mine. I know I just saw you yesterday, but I miss you already. We always have so little time, for spring break let's take a staycation. Let's just stay right here.

i have many unorganized thoughts about you

I roll over in bed and there is just empty space.
There is no one to brush the hair out of my eyes when I wake.
My forehead is left unkissed.
I suppose I should get used to you not being here for the next couple of weeks, because in a few months you'll be gone for 3 months.
Hearing you say it out loud that you miss me, my knees buckle just a bit.
Eventually I will tell you just how much I care, because I love the way you show me just how much you care about me every day.
I hate the city sometimes and I really don't like the cold at all, but we were standing in the middle of the busiest street on the east coast and you kissed me.
The cars, the smog and the people aren't there, everything melts away.
And I kiss you back, I kiss you with everything in my heart.

Ps: I love you.

Summer's Past

It's really weird hearing from you again just because well how things took that unfortunate turn. I didn't know who's side to be on, but I really was on yours. However, blood is thicker than water and I didn't have much of a choice to stop being your friend. I know that you didn't mean to do what you did on purpose, things just got out of hand so fast. I thought it was hysterical most of the night until the end. I sincerely hope you are doing well, I have no hard feelings towards you what so ever and I don't think I ever did. You really are an intelligent, nice and hilarious person with even more hilarious friends. I just thought that things would turn out different. I thought that when you came home it would smell like summer again. I thought that when you came home we could si in your back yard and talk about the stars just one more time.

I wake up lonely.

I haven't been able to sleep for days and I realized it's because you're not here. So when I walked into your room yesterday afternoon it was too easy to just crawl right beside you in bed. I really missed you this week and it was weird missing someone that much because well, I don't normally do this. I don't let myself get to this point.



Everywhere and every way I see you with me.