You are a song for me to sing, a string of verses that goes on & on

There's never really any right time to leave or any goodbye that will make you feel less alone after someone leaves. I remember freshman year absolutely resenting my boyfriend at the time for leaving and not saying goodbye. He just packed up everything and left, went to another country and then another. When we finally saw each other again, I understood. Goodbyes are just too hard.

And now it seems strange with my current boyfriend gone. We said two goodbyes, the first was honestly the most heart-wreching, gut-pulling, nauseous goodbye, because it just hurt too much. He forgot something and had to come back, the second time was better, in my head we were just hugging until next time. Next time being 3 or more months from now. But, I am actually doing a lot better than I thought, I guess it helps that I have never associated any songs with him or with us. Which was always the hardest part for me, after a break up, a passing or a goodbye the songs that I associated with them seemed to play on loop. Which is just awful because how can you not get sentimental?

I'll miss you all through the fall and into the winter

As the summer's light slowly dims, and the heat begins to recede it reminds me that my time with you is ending. It wouldn't be so hard if I got to spend your last weeks continuously with you, sleeping and living with you. After we started putting everything in its right place, it ocurred to me that we won't be sharing this bed, or this table. I will be living totally alone til the winter and I am scared. I am worried where my mind will wander, I am the most terrified of becoming paralyzed by depression. I want to be able to live and grow without you, but I almost feel guilty not being able to share it all with you. I am not really sure where I am going with this, I just hate the feeling of missing someone and knowing that if you really did need them they can't just appear. I don't awnt to miss you for months. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary alone or enjoy my favorite season, Autumn alone. I love Autumn and all of it's colors, but apart of me now loves it more because it's the time of year we met and fell in love. There won't be any apple picking or drinking hot cider together. Somehow I am comforted by knowing that when you come back from the military I will have you everyday to go to bed with at night and again to wake up to. By the end of winter you'll be back home, fingers intertwined with mine.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight
I did not know it could be like this
Some things are better off being left alone
There are things that are best left unknown

Oh hands, don’t fail me now
They’re the only things I have left
Oh fingers, don’t let me down now
They’re the only things that I’ve got
Oh world come, come crashing down now
Oh hands don’t fail me now
Oh let me become deaf and mute to this
Oh hands don’t fail me now

Great Lake Swimmers - Moving Shaking

I can not believe that there is even the slightest possibly that next fall I will over 2,000 miles away. I can not wrap my head around this magical thought that consumes me everyday. I am so excited and nervous, but mostly anxious to see where these next couple of months will carry me. Where will I end up? Mom already told me that you are ready to let me go, I was so happy. Happier than I have ever been to hear that you have realized we will never be alike, you just have to let me be exactly who I am. The black sheep.I am glad that you realized there is no point in trying to keep me around because I will transfer, I will find a way, and I will pay out of my own pocket.

Folkloric Feelings

And it took me so long to realize that I was better off, what an eregious mistake.

It's such a serene feeling to have, to be emersed in everything that I am, with you.

I feel like I could really learn how to feel with you, because the truth is I hate missing you.

I hate feeling so much for you all at once, you make everything real.

And to be quite honest, that's really fucking frightening.

You spend so much time telling yourself not to feel a certain way that you forget what it was like to feel in the first place.

You forget how to cry, or even when it's appropriate to cry.

Your laugh becomes forced, your smile practiced too many times that it almost looks painful with too much gum showing.

You start believing that that is all you deserve, you have the kind of love you think you deserve.

And the day you talk to someone who changes all of that, you really start living.

You open yours eyes in the morning without regretting it instantly and you pause to 'appreciate' the little things.

You could spend hours sleeping on a concave chest because well it's copacetic.

But, it's better than that.

Oh, lately.

"Lately, I don't get lost in daydreams I never lay awake at night staring in my bed and I don't think about your face or anything you've said and I don't think twice when someone says your name or twist my mind in circles wondering which of us to blame."

I hate waking up the way I did, with the morning light burning my eyes and filling the whole room causing me to wake up way too early. I hate going to bed at 6 in the morning because my thoughts won't stop, and all I can think about is just sleeping next to someone and having that be enough. I'm living alone, I'm living alone, I don't need you anymore, I don't need you anymore. And I've learned not to breakdown when someone says your name, but I still miss you like none other. I was sitting up last night just thinking about how different it was between us, and how much I hate normal social interactions. I thought about the night where you held me for hours with my head buried in your chest and the wind whipping at our faces. You weren't the type of person to ever pull at my hands.

Green Green Grass

And it wouldn't be a morning if I was a zombie until I had a cup of coffee.
And it wouldn't be a good afternoon without talking to or hanging out with Julie.
And it wouldn't be a Sunday if I didn't listen to American Analog Set with my windows wide open, a little breeze floating in.
And it wouldn't have been a summer night if I wasn't staying up still the sunrise when I knew full well that I had work or other obligations in a few hours.
And it wouldn't have been summer if I didn't kiss you, an astrology major going back to university to finish your thesis a few days short of fall.
And it wouldn't have been summer if everything fell apart and I learned just how strong I am.
And it wouldn't have been a great summer without a frivolous best friend, it wouldn't have been half as perfect without her.
A summer night would have been next to nonexistent if we weren't driving around for hours, our backseat passengers constantly changing.
Without arizona, or obnoxious synth bands, without ice cream, and bad dates, without loving and losing, without falling and getting crushed, without a perfect tan, without good looking coworkers, without the water, without sunday nights, without best friends, without a camera and film, without California, without beaches and lakes, without you cooking me dinner, without mix cds, without long drives, without laying on a blanket in my gay best friend's backyard, it wouldn't have been anything at all.

Because it takes something more than just sweet lies

I will walk up your cracked driveway, remembering the day that the bushes in your front yard were cut down and how the sound of the chainsaw became our soundtrack for the day we spent in bed. All that is left are holes yet to be filled in, familiar. I will feel the weight with each step up to your door. I'll walk through the doorway and pause for several moments to familiarize my eyes with your old and new features. There will be no embrace, we'll climb more stairs each one taking more and more out of me. I'll feel like I ran a marathon, without the exhilaration. Your room will look exactly the way I cleaned it months before, I still remember where everything is placed, and all the secrets we threw away. You will play me the head of the song that you wrote for me on the piano. Just like Alice in Wonderland I will fall into Technicolor oblivion. We will talk, you will crack jokes that are supposed to mean more.