Understanding of love

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

-Chuck Klosterman

I've got you, I've got you

It's good to be in love, and that is really just so true.

It has been beautiful out

Sweater weather; my favorite.

Everything just feels too good, half the time I expect my house of cards to just tumble over

But it hasn't...

...(yet)

And honestly I hope it doesn't. I am no longer haunted by the ghosts of what I could have been or who I could have been with. I feel light and occasionally, simple. Laughing comes easy and despite the ever changing status of my home life, I've got you. And at times I feel weird or guilty for putting all this weight on you or into us rather, but it makes no difference. I have finally escaped my own thoughts, I can go to sleep and not hear a thousand little thoughts hovering above me. This weekend is going to be so nice, I can't wait to go hiking with you and your friends tomorrow. I just want to stay outside in this weather for as long as possible.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight
I did not know it could be like this
Some things are better off being left alone
There are things that are best left unknown

Oh hands, don’t fail me now
They’re the only things I have left
Oh fingers, don’t let me down now
They’re the only things that I’ve got
Oh world come, come crashing down now
Oh hands don’t fail me now
Oh let me become deaf and mute to this
Oh hands don’t fail me now

Great Lake Swimmers - Moving Shaking

I can not believe that there is even the slightest possibly that next fall I will over 2,000 miles away. I can not wrap my head around this magical thought that consumes me everyday. I am so excited and nervous, but mostly anxious to see where these next couple of months will carry me. Where will I end up? Mom already told me that you are ready to let me go, I was so happy. Happier than I have ever been to hear that you have realized we will never be alike, you just have to let me be exactly who I am. The black sheep.I am glad that you realized there is no point in trying to keep me around because I will transfer, I will find a way, and I will pay out of my own pocket.

Fitz and the Dizzyspells

I don't want to feel dependent on anyone, I want nothing to do with eighty percent of the people in my life. I want to pack up my things and move to the city, I want to be done with all the pettiness this place has to offer. I have spent so much time tip-toeing around people and walking on egg shells for the sake of their (in)sanity. It kills me that I wasted so much time on people the never deserved to be my friend in the first place. I can't wait for what tomorrow has to bring. I am so happy to wake up without this overwhelming feeling of other peoples' problems in my head. We had a good go, but it's not me it's you.

you're in so much trouble you can't hide in the covers

I wake up every morning and instead of burying myself in all the covers, I wake up happy, I wake up feeling lucky. I have someone to love and someone who loves me, my best friend. I have two people who accept me unconditionally for all that I am, for everything I bring to the table. These two people mean the world to me, and I haven't known either of them for years and years. However, instead of expecting or hoping rather, that they would be there for me I don't have to ask they just are. And I think that means everything, means everything to me at least. I can go to sleep without worrying constantly without my heart feeling heavy.




This is quite possibly my favorite winter song, no matter what happens I always come back to this song.

I'm just so happy right now, there are no mind games, there is no wondering, there is no waiting around. I like just laying next to you in bed, with the curtains drawn low. I feel like I can finally just let go and not have to analyze so much because for once there is nothing to analyze. We are we are when we are together and that is more than enough.

Hold my wine, hold it in.

I went to a party last night, I seem to find myself at a party every weekend now, normalcy. I went by myself and managed to have a great time despite not knowing anyone. I am glad that I can have faith in myself in such situations and not let my social awkwardness get the best of me. I knew 3 people there, and I barely knew them, but I talked up a storm. My sister showed up over 2 hours later and we laughed at what was going on around us, sober susans. Sometimes, I can look into her eyes and I feel like she's growing up and we have these amazing conversations. Sometimes I am happy to be her sister and I feel proud knowing she can't live without me. I put my headphones on when the party started to wind down, it felt like a movie with a perfect soundtrack playing. Everyone moved so slowly in front of me, cleaning, cooking and drinking. Eventually I found myself in someone's room eating nutella and pretzels with my sister and two of our friends. I fell asleep in his room, singing the song "Sleep" to him. I was awake til 5 in the morning just talking and cuddling with someone. It is enough to fall asleep next to someone, to have your head rest on someone's chest with their hand rubbing your back until you fall asleep into dead silent slumber.


"Fill these spaces up with days
In my room you can go you can stay
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see, just to be sure
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep"

Never meant

I'm writing to be honest and because I am anxious and excited. This year is all about risking it and stepping out of my boundaries and it's pretty safe to say that I am doing just that. I can't wait for the road trip on a whim I'm going on with Julie, who knows maybe we'll end up in Mass., maybe in Rhode Island or maybe well just get lost and laugh a lot. I am really trying to have a good year and not let anything or anyone get in the way of that. I plan on taking thousands of pictures, a few dozen rolls of film and just living and breathing happiness. I love American Football and I can't stop listening to Never Meant. I love fall, god I love waking up to these cold mornings, I love swim practice and I love running at night. Despite the utter bullshit that has been going, it really isn't bringing me down, it doesn't even make a difference. I just don't give a fuck about any of it, because no good deed goes unpunished.


"I just think its best
Because you cant miss what you forget

So let's just pretend
Everything and
Anything, between you and me
Was never meant

Was Never Meant"