I'll miss you all through the fall and into the winter

As the summer's light slowly dims, and the heat begins to recede it reminds me that my time with you is ending. It wouldn't be so hard if I got to spend your last weeks continuously with you, sleeping and living with you. After we started putting everything in its right place, it ocurred to me that we won't be sharing this bed, or this table. I will be living totally alone til the winter and I am scared. I am worried where my mind will wander, I am the most terrified of becoming paralyzed by depression. I want to be able to live and grow without you, but I almost feel guilty not being able to share it all with you. I am not really sure where I am going with this, I just hate the feeling of missing someone and knowing that if you really did need them they can't just appear. I don't awnt to miss you for months. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary alone or enjoy my favorite season, Autumn alone. I love Autumn and all of it's colors, but apart of me now loves it more because it's the time of year we met and fell in love. There won't be any apple picking or drinking hot cider together. Somehow I am comforted by knowing that when you come back from the military I will have you everyday to go to bed with at night and again to wake up to. By the end of winter you'll be back home, fingers intertwined with mine.

the fixer

"So leave out the others baby
And say I'm the only one
Cut out the uniforms and settle with the sun
Hey I want you to know
Cos I wanna know
And it's a strange condition
And life in prison
It's got me outta my head
And I don't know what I came for..."

Last night I heard you whispering it in your sleep, I think you feel it too.
How is it possible that I can miss you already?

you're in so much trouble you can't hide in the covers

I wake up every morning and instead of burying myself in all the covers, I wake up happy, I wake up feeling lucky. I have someone to love and someone who loves me, my best friend. I have two people who accept me unconditionally for all that I am, for everything I bring to the table. These two people mean the world to me, and I haven't known either of them for years and years. However, instead of expecting or hoping rather, that they would be there for me I don't have to ask they just are. And I think that means everything, means everything to me at least. I can go to sleep without worrying constantly without my heart feeling heavy.




This is quite possibly my favorite winter song, no matter what happens I always come back to this song.

White Whales.

"Just remember this, you were... and still are my white whale...
Think of Moby Dick, Moby Dick was a white whale in a literal sense,
but he was never able to catch it, always just slightly out of reach.

Everything he wanted, but is always and will always be out of his reach."

Ageless beauty

How is it that I've lost the ability to cry? Is it the commonplace of funeral homes and churches in my life beginning to numb me? I can look into an open casket and feel nothing for someone who I am related to, someone who loved my family with all their heart. I cannot cry even though the numbers of the first generation has dwindled to two. This is hard, not being able to feel. I've become frigid much like the air outside that dries out my eyes and skin. You didn't look 89 Polly, not at all. Not a wrinkle in your skin, your hair perfectly curled, everyone in the room was jealous of you. Stephen talked about how he's had seven funerals in four months it's a wonder he can barely focus at work. And I wonder has this security blanket around my waist been induced by the depression and stress that has become a burdening dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go. I can't bare it any longer, old habits have weaved their ways back into my thoughts, into my routine. Ruining everything I've worked so long and hard for. The priest read the eulogy and he read something about Pauline meeting god at the gates and he would judge her, like Osiris. The Osiris being the inserted contribution my brain added after remembering a particular question from my art history exam. Anyway, more importantly that we couldn't plead the fifth because we had no excuses we are to be judged. And I remembered saying how much in my atheist angst I had an agnostic outrage. I yelled through to receiver about how much who ever up there was punishing me and my whole family by taking away everyone that's near and dear to us. Friends and most importantly family. I understand no one lives forever I've always accepted that but it this all could've happened over a longer stretch of time it would've been easier on us. On all of us. Does anyone understand how unbearable it's been for the majority of my family to go to the same graveyard 5 times in the past four months. It's all so surreal. AT LEAST I KNOW YOU TRIED.