Gray Matters

The act of missing someone changes and alters over a lifetime. You start off as a little kid and maybe you miss your ratty stuffed animal or your parents when they're at work. You grow up a little and you really lose someone, and it shakes you to the core. It rocks your world, like an earthquake breaking down all your naive little walls in your head. You feel your first crack in your heart that sends pains that shoot right the fuck up your spine. You spend hours hugging your little body and whimpering off to sleep. Your father tells you to grow up, so you do. You create a little shell around you, and all these people they come and they go and some come back. It all messes with your head to the point where you think feeling numb is better than feeling too much. You get older and the more people you lose the harder it is to distinguish the gray.

When nothing else makes sense

It is an oddly wonderful feeling to have
so much to lose.

White Whales.

"Just remember this, you were... and still are my white whale...
Think of Moby Dick, Moby Dick was a white whale in a literal sense,
but he was never able to catch it, always just slightly out of reach.

Everything he wanted, but is always and will always be out of his reach."