For always

Dear You,

I thought I could make this easy. I thought I could somehow replace you with making myself busy, or by meeting new people, but it didn't really work out quite that way. For a short while I was preoccupied and I didn't let myself miss you. I realized they are no comparison or substitute for what we have or who you are. It helps to write it down. In case you had any doubts, or if you were feeling uneasy, know that I love you for always.

A peculiar thing love does for people

Eyes hang low, I shift from one foot to another.
A foot in my mouth.
You can't hold someone's love for another against them.
But I will always hold your actions against you, you are accountable. You have to be.
My eyes fill up and I turn away I let it go
She says she can't do it anymore and that it doesn't matter she has no purpose
I try to reason, there is nothing.
I say sometimes you do things to benefit others and not yourself, that it's a good thing.

Swing my heartache

I miss you to the point where my heart aches, it physically hurts. But, when you come home after a week, to me it is like nothing else. You kiss the bridge of my nose over and over, you kiss my cheeks. And I can close my eyes, I can roll over only to find your hand searching for mine. I know I just saw you yesterday, but I miss you already. We always have so little time, for spring break let's take a staycation. Let's just stay right here.

Gray Matters

The act of missing someone changes and alters over a lifetime. You start off as a little kid and maybe you miss your ratty stuffed animal or your parents when they're at work. You grow up a little and you really lose someone, and it shakes you to the core. It rocks your world, like an earthquake breaking down all your naive little walls in your head. You feel your first crack in your heart that sends pains that shoot right the fuck up your spine. You spend hours hugging your little body and whimpering off to sleep. Your father tells you to grow up, so you do. You create a little shell around you, and all these people they come and they go and some come back. It all messes with your head to the point where you think feeling numb is better than feeling too much. You get older and the more people you lose the harder it is to distinguish the gray.

battlewounds.

Hands in the dark, hands over my face. I want to curl up next you and just forget this. I want to forget the last two years and all that I wasted my time on. I didn't want to smell like him, so I scrubbed my skin raw. I hugged my knees and I bit down hard on my lower lip. I just wish that I could disappear sometimes. Or maybe I could just take that flight across the country, maybe that's how far I need to distance myself. 3,000 miles would surely be enough. I want to wake up in the morning pretending it never happened, but that's not realistic at all. I just wish you were here.

I wake up lonely.

I haven't been able to sleep for days and I realized it's because you're not here. So when I walked into your room yesterday afternoon it was too easy to just crawl right beside you in bed. I really missed you this week and it was weird missing someone that much because well, I don't normally do this. I don't let myself get to this point.



Everywhere and every way I see you with me.

If I kiss you where it hurts would you feel better, better, better at all

Tonight was officially the last night of summer, it's sort of strange to be honest. I don't see myself actually going to classes tomorrow morning. But, unfortunately I will be in a statistics class at 9:30 am wondering why I decided taking this class was a good idea. I am seeing someone I haven't seen in a month on Tuesday for reasons I can't even tell you. It should be interesting and uncomfortable, but I'm still optimistic about it. I finger the bracelets on my right wrist, my only visible attachment left from summer other than my tan. I don't want it to end, but really I should sleep and not think about you anymore than I already am.

Immaculate Heart

I have no recollection of how I got here, how I could keep on living oblivious and with something not so minor...missing? I know what I have to do, and do it. But I won't know what it is until it's done. There really is no good time to leave or any better explanation that is acceptable, because I do not deserve one. He doesn't owe me anything, which I guess I should have sort of seen this coming but naturally I didn't. I'm too busy with summer on my mind. I got my summer skin, my summer clothes, a summer job, I got a few good friends, I shouldn't want more, but I do. I shouldn't really care at all, but somehow I do. I shouldn't feel a pang of jealousy, but hey I do. So instead I will listen to all the mixes I made for someone else, the ones I felt you didn't deserve to hear, and I will laugh and laugh until this summer is long behind me.