I'll miss you all through the fall and into the winter

As the summer's light slowly dims, and the heat begins to recede it reminds me that my time with you is ending. It wouldn't be so hard if I got to spend your last weeks continuously with you, sleeping and living with you. After we started putting everything in its right place, it ocurred to me that we won't be sharing this bed, or this table. I will be living totally alone til the winter and I am scared. I am worried where my mind will wander, I am the most terrified of becoming paralyzed by depression. I want to be able to live and grow without you, but I almost feel guilty not being able to share it all with you. I am not really sure where I am going with this, I just hate the feeling of missing someone and knowing that if you really did need them they can't just appear. I don't awnt to miss you for months. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary alone or enjoy my favorite season, Autumn alone. I love Autumn and all of it's colors, but apart of me now loves it more because it's the time of year we met and fell in love. There won't be any apple picking or drinking hot cider together. Somehow I am comforted by knowing that when you come back from the military I will have you everyday to go to bed with at night and again to wake up to. By the end of winter you'll be back home, fingers intertwined with mine.

3:33 am

In the early hours of the day are when I miss you most, I just want to be around you, for you to be near me. You ask what I'm worried about most, do I worry for selfish reasons? Of course I do, I am so damn lonely and you are the only person that appreciates my anxiousness and eccentricities every single day. I am worried about cutting the cord to find you are what keeps me sane, I should be able to function on my own. Where do you start? Where do I end? What really scares me is the person that you could possibly become. Will all your original theories be lost? Will you be tainted by all that you will see? You scorned me yesterday, telling me I can't have an opinion I did not participate. But people who have been there are supposed to tell you it's not that bad, it's their job, it's all in the paperwork. You're becoming federal property. You tell me I can brag about what you're doing over there, but I've never been the bragging type. I always thought this was a joke that you could never be serious about it, tomorrow you'll decide.
"You are all I have here, I don't have anything waiting for me."

I try to argue with you, I lay on my side and the tears from my left eye fall into my right. I yell, but no sound comes out. I consider my own major choices, should I just pack up and leave to San Francisco? Should I just get away from everything and everyone on the East Coast? I can't help to think I might be better off being entirely disconnected. I read through your papers, it says you are signing up for 6-8 years, you did not tell me this. I wonder if the people that you talked to are telling you even the slightest truth. We sit in the car driving through the back roads to Salmon River, my arms are folded and I'm looking out the window. You keep talking about the benefits, this will help you get ahead. You get frustrated because I don't have a distinct stance on anything, I'm passive. I tell you to just stop bringing it up, I want to have a normal day. Hours later the sun fades into a million colors and you ask me if I just want to keep driving, I say yes.