i have many unorganized thoughts about you

I roll over in bed and there is just empty space.
There is no one to brush the hair out of my eyes when I wake.
My forehead is left unkissed.
I suppose I should get used to you not being here for the next couple of weeks, because in a few months you'll be gone for 3 months.
Hearing you say it out loud that you miss me, my knees buckle just a bit.
Eventually I will tell you just how much I care, because I love the way you show me just how much you care about me every day.
I hate the city sometimes and I really don't like the cold at all, but we were standing in the middle of the busiest street on the east coast and you kissed me.
The cars, the smog and the people aren't there, everything melts away.
And I kiss you back, I kiss you with everything in my heart.

Ps: I love you.

Oh, lately.

"Lately, I don't get lost in daydreams I never lay awake at night staring in my bed and I don't think about your face or anything you've said and I don't think twice when someone says your name or twist my mind in circles wondering which of us to blame."

I hate waking up the way I did, with the morning light burning my eyes and filling the whole room causing me to wake up way too early. I hate going to bed at 6 in the morning because my thoughts won't stop, and all I can think about is just sleeping next to someone and having that be enough. I'm living alone, I'm living alone, I don't need you anymore, I don't need you anymore. And I've learned not to breakdown when someone says your name, but I still miss you like none other. I was sitting up last night just thinking about how different it was between us, and how much I hate normal social interactions. I thought about the night where you held me for hours with my head buried in your chest and the wind whipping at our faces. You weren't the type of person to ever pull at my hands.

She sang a short tune, " da dadadda dahh"

I like my life and where things are right now. I do not care about the fact that I let my self get really close to someone that may or may not have ASPD, but I'm okay with that. So okay to the point where I laughed and said, "it figures." I attract the weird, broken, mentally disturbed kinds. I don't know what it is about me that they find so comforting. I'm a good listener, I try to give really beneficial advice, but I feel like everyone tries to do that. What is so special about me that these people feel like they can trust me with everything they have? This is the main reason why I wanted to be a psychologist, yes the field is insanely interesting but it's the instant connection I can make with almost everyone I meet that I think is not something anyone can do. My friends bring me along to meet their other friends for the first time, to meet their boyfriends or girlfriends, to talk to their families because I appeal to all of them in some little way. I am relatable and for the most part aproachable. I guess these are good traits to have, but it can be a little scary letting someone who is so in their mind and completely out of touch with reality get close to me, to trust me.
I think I finally have a best friend for the first time in a very long time. I am finally able to open up about things that well I just don't discuss with anyone else. I laugh hard, we live fully and I have no regrets. I feel whole. I really want us to start a band, to have shows at kitschy venues even if we just end up laughing at ourselves for forty minutes.

Not to be confused, this one's for you

So tonight was what I've been talking about with Julie over coffee, a night where we just do something, whatever it is. Where we just say okay, with no regrets, and jump off the deep end. I love meeting new people, interesting people with lots to talk about, people who use slang in the same ways I do, people who are not afraid of living. We turned the car on, we let people in and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it kind of was.
I take back everything I said, Julie, this summer is going to be everything we want it to be.
Live it up.