my thoughts drift to you

Fuck I feel so weak.

Axis

Lately as an escape I let myself drift away and I think about me, you and a shoreline. That's all I want, I want things to be simple and to just happen. I want to enjoy these last couple months before you go off without me in the fall. I really do feel sometimes like I'm in a war of my life, I am not allowed to talk to anyone about anything. But, I still tell you, I tell you everything and I wait anxiously for your response. You always support and standby me and I don't even know how I can doubt you for a second. I will just have to somehow keep my head up and I just can't let myself be broken down by this. At some point I need to start doing what is best for me regardless of whether I should have some sort of 'loyalty' to someone who shares my blood. I don't owe her anything, she doesn't deserve any part of me.

"Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me, for all of my trying we still end up dying, how can it be? Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me, 'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see, I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed.
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me. So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing,
silently screaming,"I have to have you now." Wired and I'm tired think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours"
John Mayer - Edge of Desire

Understanding of love

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

-Chuck Klosterman