Try to sleep

I wish you were here, falling asleep next to me.
I just want to put my head on your chest with arms outstretched.

I'm drifting way too far, my arms, my legs are too tired

I can't sleep anymore, my head is in a million places. I can't keep up with my own thoughts and I am trying to do everything right. But, I'm forgetful and I have selective listening. I really am trying I promise and this weekend I am excited to drive with my best friend across state lines and stay in someone else's house, to go on someone else's schedule and just close my eyes and forget. I have this idea that if I go there it will be just like summer, and maybe that's just me being too hopeful. When I roll over at four am to see that I have missed calls from you I always feel guilty, because I know you are there two hours away feeling exactly what I'm feeling, just wishing there was more than a dial tone on the other line.

Hold my wine, hold it in.

I went to a party last night, I seem to find myself at a party every weekend now, normalcy. I went by myself and managed to have a great time despite not knowing anyone. I am glad that I can have faith in myself in such situations and not let my social awkwardness get the best of me. I knew 3 people there, and I barely knew them, but I talked up a storm. My sister showed up over 2 hours later and we laughed at what was going on around us, sober susans. Sometimes, I can look into her eyes and I feel like she's growing up and we have these amazing conversations. Sometimes I am happy to be her sister and I feel proud knowing she can't live without me. I put my headphones on when the party started to wind down, it felt like a movie with a perfect soundtrack playing. Everyone moved so slowly in front of me, cleaning, cooking and drinking. Eventually I found myself in someone's room eating nutella and pretzels with my sister and two of our friends. I fell asleep in his room, singing the song "Sleep" to him. I was awake til 5 in the morning just talking and cuddling with someone. It is enough to fall asleep next to someone, to have your head rest on someone's chest with their hand rubbing your back until you fall asleep into dead silent slumber.


"Fill these spaces up with days
In my room you can go you can stay
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see, just to be sure
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep"

While the hands are pointing up midnight
You're a question mark
Coming after people you watched collide
You can ask what you want to the satellite
Because the names you drop put ice in my veins
And for all you know
You're the only one who finds it strange
When they call it a lover's moon
The satellite
Because it acts just like lovers do
The satellite
A burned out world you know
Staying up all night
The satellite

Satellite (Elliot Smith cover) - The Helio Sequence

Oh, lately.

"Lately, I don't get lost in daydreams I never lay awake at night staring in my bed and I don't think about your face or anything you've said and I don't think twice when someone says your name or twist my mind in circles wondering which of us to blame."

I hate waking up the way I did, with the morning light burning my eyes and filling the whole room causing me to wake up way too early. I hate going to bed at 6 in the morning because my thoughts won't stop, and all I can think about is just sleeping next to someone and having that be enough. I'm living alone, I'm living alone, I don't need you anymore, I don't need you anymore. And I've learned not to breakdown when someone says your name, but I still miss you like none other. I was sitting up last night just thinking about how different it was between us, and how much I hate normal social interactions. I thought about the night where you held me for hours with my head buried in your chest and the wind whipping at our faces. You weren't the type of person to ever pull at my hands.

A hundred times a day the yellow light turns red

Sometimes I find myself sitting in someone's passenger seat, and my mind is somewhere else entirely. I could be singing along to a favorite song, or laughing about something the other person said, but I am completely disconnected. My mother told me that I was lucky he left when he did, but I just can't rationalize that. I miss sporadic road trips to New Haven, Northampton and somehow finding myself slumped on the subway in New York. I miss cold nights in Spanish Harlem, I miss sipping alcohol on rooftops, I miss parties with the most awkward people you will ever meet, I miss incredibly intelligent conversations over cups of bitter coffee, I miss my friends dying my hair in my tub, I miss cutting all their hair, I miss going to the beach in the middle of March, I miss just hearing you say such simple words that had the power to knock the wind right out of me, I miss watching episodes of Scrubs in your bed until 4 in the morning, I miss drawing shitty little charcoal portraits, I miss dancing to music in his kitchen, I miss crawling up next to you and falling asleep with my head on your chest, I miss waking up in your room with you still sleeping soundly, the feeling of being safe, I miss smoking on the hammock in your backyard, I miss our novels we used to type each other to keep in touch, I miss your cousin's mansion, I miss you carrying me through out the park on a perfect spring day, I miss our slang and hand gestures. I miss that anxious fit that used to fill the pits of my stomach and spread like wildfire throughout my body when ever the promise of being near you or talking to you was even a possibility.

minolta, minolta

I saw your best friend today, out of every place, there he was standing at the counter behind the photography section.
Just.
My.
Luck.
My first thought is to ignore him completely and pretend I am not me, but instead I wave and smile the goofiest smile. He eventually wandered over to me and we talked about cameras and film. And how I didn't understand the conversions at first. He was very cordial and didn't laugh at the fact that I looked like shit and was hunting for batteries for my ancient camera that is years older than myself. It was then that I realized why you were so jealous all those months ago. I set up the old Minolta completely, the flash, cleaned my lens, and loaded the film. I am going to wake up at sunrise to take some crisp shots. Then I'm off to my 3 hour photography class to set up shop in the darkroom which I plan to essentially live in the next couple of months. Especially, because once I learn the trick to developing my holga film, I literalyl will never leave. I am just really happy and excited. I can talk about you nonchalantly, I miss you, yes but I really just hope that you're happy. I am glad we're friends.

Never meant

I'm writing to be honest and because I am anxious and excited. This year is all about risking it and stepping out of my boundaries and it's pretty safe to say that I am doing just that. I can't wait for the road trip on a whim I'm going on with Julie, who knows maybe we'll end up in Mass., maybe in Rhode Island or maybe well just get lost and laugh a lot. I am really trying to have a good year and not let anything or anyone get in the way of that. I plan on taking thousands of pictures, a few dozen rolls of film and just living and breathing happiness. I love American Football and I can't stop listening to Never Meant. I love fall, god I love waking up to these cold mornings, I love swim practice and I love running at night. Despite the utter bullshit that has been going, it really isn't bringing me down, it doesn't even make a difference. I just don't give a fuck about any of it, because no good deed goes unpunished.


"I just think its best
Because you cant miss what you forget

So let's just pretend
Everything and
Anything, between you and me
Was never meant

Was Never Meant"

Dinosaurs died quite awhile ago

I just like you. That's it, it doesn't need to be anymore complicated than that. I want to see you on Friday and go to that concert with you on Monday. I don't mind helping you write papers, or taking pictures of you in a studio, or trying to find decent coffee after all the shops have closed. I like driving with you, I like talking with you and I like making mixes for you. I think it's funny when we go to terrible 24-hour diners and I like when we just drive for hours in your car or when you tell me all your secrets on abandoned overpasses. And I don't care that you have commitment issues or that you're a little weird like me. I don't want to be in a relationship with you, because quite frankly I don't care. Just being with you is enough, that's all I want is just to spend a little time with your familiar face.