One love, one life,

I can't believe he's gone, I can't believe I've known him since I was five, I can't believe I waited for the call all day to tell me this was just a sick joke, but most of all I can't believe I'm still waiting for the call. The most beautiful pools of blue, those black curls, the first boy I ever liked, the first boy that ever made me want to vomit from nervousness, the same boy that had this wonderful positive outlook, I'll never forget when he told me he noticed me, I will miss seeing you around.

rest in peace dear

love is a place

You punched a hole in the sun, I’m flat on my back

your heart is black from all the coal, you’re a smokestack

let me hold your features in my infinitesimal hands,

you’re all angles and bones in my arms, a slack face with a protruding jaw line

I spend hours tracing this outline, these sunken in cheeks are mine

I love the way you paint my canvas skin

A shadowed silhouette passing by in front of my eyes, Swimming Eyes

locked up for years in a measure of mind

some times i check that i'm still breathing, most of the time i hope i'm only dreaming

you are the ghost that I can not scare

Who were you after you were mine?

I couldn't even focus on my own two feet in front of me, I'm losing my mind, like walking is something foreign, some radical concept I forgot
I'm not sleeping I'm up all night thinking, better yet comparing, I'm comparing you
I think back to last year and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing
Nothing seems right, "why'd you put that makeup on?"
I remember art galleries and hurricanes, small closets enclosed spaces, you'd kiss my many faces love and mathematics it was always our morning routine coffee and the cover of Naive Melody sitting in the parking lot holding hands getting ready to face the day, nothing else mattered. I never felt so appreciated, so special things were always right, never faltering. Power lines and laying in the fields, so cliche and yet so original with everything we did. I'm grateful, I'm sad, I want to feel that way again. I want to not bite my lip and hold back tears I haven't let out all year.
"I loved you, did you know that? I fucking loved you."
"I know I love you still"
I find myself remembering that night, wishing they'd played our song
This means nothing to you it's just what it is, nothing. I don't want that though, I want the light of the moon, I want Lover's Spit I want you to finally let me win.

with our clothes on fire, I guess we both can wait

Situations
time is matter, atoms and cells
Zappa and Cursive wrapping their notes around our bodies
Exes and Ohs
The sky was crying, I was burying my face and you were just sleeping, sleeping. How can you sleep?
waiting for me to fall into place, but it wasn't me that did it was everything that was around me carrying on routine
my paranoia was showing;

and the life lines
live below the waist
it's a capturer
please dont scratch me out

Hours waste turn into weeks then months into me, a lifelong disease

and maybe i've got needs that you can't cure, but i'm waiting by the phone until i'm sure
there's an anvil on my chest, it might be the pollen, but it might just be everything else

A Guarded head shapes the face and heart
So loss ain’t bad
I’m trading processing for sleep
So it don’t seem sad that I’m losing you
Blotch the face, blood vessels
Broken heart and canvas skin
Write it all out you won’t ever quite describe it
Loaned to father for weekends and given back without the interest
Trivialize memories, dumb it down to make it fit
Syllables, grammatical, read and rewrite for the reader
All the bitter nights in my room alone
They won’t know all my secret problems
Or the love that overcame us both
An untold twenty-two year story
So it’s one tale and then another, I was saying earlier

I remember those years they're hard not to and all the things you wrote then, I know them word by word

Impossible, your love is something I can't remember. I literally just choked on my breath. My mind is discombobulated, that's the only word that comes to mind at all. I 'm paranoid I'm living in my head. I'm supposed to be analyzing everyone like this, not myself.

And I do remember sleeping in your house, on the floor,
With the dust in my eye.

I'm moving backwards, all the little hands are rewinding, practically warping moving so fast. I'm probably making a huge mistake, but I'm really sitting here trying to debate the pros and cons. I want to, I want to see that factory you told me about. I lied, I am lying through my teeth, I know you see it.


I will not sleep tonight, at all.

I miss Gingers.