You say that we are the best thing

"You, you still have all the answers

and you, you still have them too
and we, we live half in the day time
and we, we live half at night
Watch things on VCR's, with me and talk about big love
I think we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing"
The Xx - VCR

I just love you.

Gray Matters

The act of missing someone changes and alters over a lifetime. You start off as a little kid and maybe you miss your ratty stuffed animal or your parents when they're at work. You grow up a little and you really lose someone, and it shakes you to the core. It rocks your world, like an earthquake breaking down all your naive little walls in your head. You feel your first crack in your heart that sends pains that shoot right the fuck up your spine. You spend hours hugging your little body and whimpering off to sleep. Your father tells you to grow up, so you do. You create a little shell around you, and all these people they come and they go and some come back. It all messes with your head to the point where you think feeling numb is better than feeling too much. You get older and the more people you lose the harder it is to distinguish the gray.

Slow down

In some ways I wish I never had to go back, that I could just turn my back on them. It is evident that they were never supposed to have these roles, never really thought them through, well that's my luck. I know it could be worse, but I hate that saying it is beyond irritating to me. I feel bad and then I don't. It's a constant war between my head, history and common sense.

You are right they are terrible,
well I mean they have their good moments,
but doesn't everyone?
Isn't everyone just made of good parts?
That's true no one is a perfect whole.

I don't know I guess I really am just ready to let go of this place and all the attachment and sentiment. the people in this house, the good the bad, the especially ugly and the beautiful moments where I woke up to sunshine and snow days.

I got caught up in the storm

And it's weird because you think that things are going well, and they are. You feel safe and calm, there aren't any thoughts interrupting you from falling into bed. Your heads hits the pillow and you sleep through the night. And then like a silent storm it consumes you. There are times when things are so beyond your control that you feel lost, the tide swallows you up. And it will continue to overtake you unless you refocus and put on a tough front. It's just so strange to me that one small event alters everything, it alters my future. I'm honestly trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it's pretty difficult. I just gotta keep hanging on, cus it's all I've got.



Just know that after I am tormented by these little horrible terribles I think of you and everything is alright, it's gonna be alright because you're by my side.