Slow down

In some ways I wish I never had to go back, that I could just turn my back on them. It is evident that they were never supposed to have these roles, never really thought them through, well that's my luck. I know it could be worse, but I hate that saying it is beyond irritating to me. I feel bad and then I don't. It's a constant war between my head, history and common sense.

You are right they are terrible,
well I mean they have their good moments,
but doesn't everyone?
Isn't everyone just made of good parts?
That's true no one is a perfect whole.

I don't know I guess I really am just ready to let go of this place and all the attachment and sentiment. the people in this house, the good the bad, the especially ugly and the beautiful moments where I woke up to sunshine and snow days.

battlewounds.

Hands in the dark, hands over my face. I want to curl up next you and just forget this. I want to forget the last two years and all that I wasted my time on. I didn't want to smell like him, so I scrubbed my skin raw. I hugged my knees and I bit down hard on my lower lip. I just wish that I could disappear sometimes. Or maybe I could just take that flight across the country, maybe that's how far I need to distance myself. 3,000 miles would surely be enough. I want to wake up in the morning pretending it never happened, but that's not realistic at all. I just wish you were here.

The moment I let go was the moment that I got more than I could handle

I don't believe in planning your life over twenty years ahead, to me this is not something I can comprehend. I kind of see it as pointless, you leave no room to let things take their own course, there is no room for error. I like change, I like good unexpected occurrences, and I like learning to deal with what doesn't destroy will eventually make me stronger. The whole time I'm listening to your sonnet, that is your existence, I'm wondering where I fit into this. And I start feeling like I'm not so sure I want to fit into your perfectly methodical equation. You're a problem solver concrete and purely factual. I'm a free spirit, I am analytical but I look at things a little more abstract than most.
But, there are these pair of eyes I can't get out of my mind. Without them I become a cynical bitch to say the least. I think about them and everything slowly gets a little less serious, a little easier to decipher.

Ageless beauty

How is it that I've lost the ability to cry? Is it the commonplace of funeral homes and churches in my life beginning to numb me? I can look into an open casket and feel nothing for someone who I am related to, someone who loved my family with all their heart. I cannot cry even though the numbers of the first generation has dwindled to two. This is hard, not being able to feel. I've become frigid much like the air outside that dries out my eyes and skin. You didn't look 89 Polly, not at all. Not a wrinkle in your skin, your hair perfectly curled, everyone in the room was jealous of you. Stephen talked about how he's had seven funerals in four months it's a wonder he can barely focus at work. And I wonder has this security blanket around my waist been induced by the depression and stress that has become a burdening dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go. I can't bare it any longer, old habits have weaved their ways back into my thoughts, into my routine. Ruining everything I've worked so long and hard for. The priest read the eulogy and he read something about Pauline meeting god at the gates and he would judge her, like Osiris. The Osiris being the inserted contribution my brain added after remembering a particular question from my art history exam. Anyway, more importantly that we couldn't plead the fifth because we had no excuses we are to be judged. And I remembered saying how much in my atheist angst I had an agnostic outrage. I yelled through to receiver about how much who ever up there was punishing me and my whole family by taking away everyone that's near and dear to us. Friends and most importantly family. I understand no one lives forever I've always accepted that but it this all could've happened over a longer stretch of time it would've been easier on us. On all of us. Does anyone understand how unbearable it's been for the majority of my family to go to the same graveyard 5 times in the past four months. It's all so surreal. AT LEAST I KNOW YOU TRIED.