How is it that I've lost the ability to cry? Is it the commonplace of funeral homes and churches in my life beginning to numb me? I can look into an open casket and feel nothing for someone who I am related to, someone who loved my family with all their heart. I cannot cry even though the numbers of the first generation has dwindled to two. This is hard, not being able to feel. I've become frigid much like the air outside that dries out my eyes and skin. You didn't look 89 Polly, not at all. Not a wrinkle in your skin, your hair perfectly curled, everyone in the room was jealous of you. Stephen talked about how he's had seven funerals in four months it's a wonder he can barely focus at work. And I wonder has this security blanket around my waist been induced by the depression and stress that has become a burdening dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go. I can't bare it any longer, old habits have weaved their ways back into my thoughts, into my routine. Ruining everything I've worked so long and hard for. The priest read the eulogy and he read something about Pauline meeting god at the gates and he would judge her, like Osiris. The Osiris being the inserted contribution my brain added after remembering a particular question from my art history exam. Anyway, more importantly that we couldn't plead the fifth because we had no excuses we are to be judged. And I remembered saying how much in my atheist angst I had an agnostic outrage. I yelled through to receiver about how much who ever up there was punishing me and my whole family by taking away everyone that's near and dear to us. Friends and most importantly family. I understand no one lives forever I've always accepted that but it this all could've happened over a longer stretch of time it would've been easier on us. On all of us. Does anyone understand how unbearable it's been for the majority of my family to go to the same graveyard 5 times in the past four months. It's all so surreal. AT LEAST I KNOW YOU TRIED.
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2 comments:
5 in 4 months is a lot. I lost 4 in 10 years and I thought that was bad. My younger sister and I are all that's left. You'll cry when it's time. My older sister was killed in an accident in August of 2006, and I finally cried in August of 2008.... It's always the same with me. Numb at first. Almost stoic. People at the funeral probably think I'm not human or something. Then months - maybe years later, the dam bursts, and I cry as though it just happened ten minutes ago. Just the way I am.
I also don't like it how pastors and priests want to turn everything into a sermon opportunity. Sometimes it's just not time for that.
I can relate. Thanks for sharing.
Exactly some of us are religious but most of just want to hear all the wonderful memories we shared with our loved one and that's it. It turned into a lecture and I was just really not into it at all. I was annoyed almost because I know she wouldn't have wanted it to be that way at all. I'm sorry about your sister I can't imagine losing a sibling right now.
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