I should know

I felt like not only did every last breath in my body get knocked out of me, but like the blood was drained, I sat there hugging myself, completely cold to the touch. I am asking too much, I'm going about it in all the wrong ways, why try winning when the game is rigged for me to lose? My chest felt sunken in, and you kept commenting on my black eyes and how I should sleep. Except when I tell you what keeps me up at night, what I was feeling at that moment you dismiss it. You had to put your foot down somewhere, what I want is irrelevant, not important. Who I have I become?

Ageless beauty

How is it that I've lost the ability to cry? Is it the commonplace of funeral homes and churches in my life beginning to numb me? I can look into an open casket and feel nothing for someone who I am related to, someone who loved my family with all their heart. I cannot cry even though the numbers of the first generation has dwindled to two. This is hard, not being able to feel. I've become frigid much like the air outside that dries out my eyes and skin. You didn't look 89 Polly, not at all. Not a wrinkle in your skin, your hair perfectly curled, everyone in the room was jealous of you. Stephen talked about how he's had seven funerals in four months it's a wonder he can barely focus at work. And I wonder has this security blanket around my waist been induced by the depression and stress that has become a burdening dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go. I can't bare it any longer, old habits have weaved their ways back into my thoughts, into my routine. Ruining everything I've worked so long and hard for. The priest read the eulogy and he read something about Pauline meeting god at the gates and he would judge her, like Osiris. The Osiris being the inserted contribution my brain added after remembering a particular question from my art history exam. Anyway, more importantly that we couldn't plead the fifth because we had no excuses we are to be judged. And I remembered saying how much in my atheist angst I had an agnostic outrage. I yelled through to receiver about how much who ever up there was punishing me and my whole family by taking away everyone that's near and dear to us. Friends and most importantly family. I understand no one lives forever I've always accepted that but it this all could've happened over a longer stretch of time it would've been easier on us. On all of us. Does anyone understand how unbearable it's been for the majority of my family to go to the same graveyard 5 times in the past four months. It's all so surreal. AT LEAST I KNOW YOU TRIED.