sea

and tonight I feel like I need the beach

I want to lose myself in the smells that do a dance under my nose

I want to rewind time back to when I was in someone's arms

up in the air

just

spinning

with the wind chilling my bones

my breath spiraling in little puffs towards the sky

the shock of the wave crashing down on my skin

that night was so dreamy

I can just remember running up and down the shore

in a desolate little town

no one was around for miles

and i loved you openly

For always

Dear You,

I thought I could make this easy. I thought I could somehow replace you with making myself busy, or by meeting new people, but it didn't really work out quite that way. For a short while I was preoccupied and I didn't let myself miss you. I realized they are no comparison or substitute for what we have or who you are. It helps to write it down. In case you had any doubts, or if you were feeling uneasy, know that I love you for always.

You are a song for me to sing, a string of verses that goes on & on

There's never really any right time to leave or any goodbye that will make you feel less alone after someone leaves. I remember freshman year absolutely resenting my boyfriend at the time for leaving and not saying goodbye. He just packed up everything and left, went to another country and then another. When we finally saw each other again, I understood. Goodbyes are just too hard.

And now it seems strange with my current boyfriend gone. We said two goodbyes, the first was honestly the most heart-wreching, gut-pulling, nauseous goodbye, because it just hurt too much. He forgot something and had to come back, the second time was better, in my head we were just hugging until next time. Next time being 3 or more months from now. But, I am actually doing a lot better than I thought, I guess it helps that I have never associated any songs with him or with us. Which was always the hardest part for me, after a break up, a passing or a goodbye the songs that I associated with them seemed to play on loop. Which is just awful because how can you not get sentimental?

I'll miss you all through the fall and into the winter

As the summer's light slowly dims, and the heat begins to recede it reminds me that my time with you is ending. It wouldn't be so hard if I got to spend your last weeks continuously with you, sleeping and living with you. After we started putting everything in its right place, it ocurred to me that we won't be sharing this bed, or this table. I will be living totally alone til the winter and I am scared. I am worried where my mind will wander, I am the most terrified of becoming paralyzed by depression. I want to be able to live and grow without you, but I almost feel guilty not being able to share it all with you. I am not really sure where I am going with this, I just hate the feeling of missing someone and knowing that if you really did need them they can't just appear. I don't awnt to miss you for months. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary alone or enjoy my favorite season, Autumn alone. I love Autumn and all of it's colors, but apart of me now loves it more because it's the time of year we met and fell in love. There won't be any apple picking or drinking hot cider together. Somehow I am comforted by knowing that when you come back from the military I will have you everyday to go to bed with at night and again to wake up to. By the end of winter you'll be back home, fingers intertwined with mine.

Dinosaur mug

I'm sitting in my old room drinking coffee out of a mug I bought 3 and a half years ago and it is so oddly comforting. The breeze is coming in and rolling over my skin leaving behind fresh goosebumps. It feels good, and reminds me off all the autumn days that I sat here drinking 6 or 7 cups of tea and just writing, writing, writing. I like feeling that way again, I feel independent and that I can be okay by myself, I have no thoughts about anything else or than what I am doing right now. It's as if my mind has been wiped clean and I can just focus on the sound of my own inhaling, exhaling, sipping, repeat. Out of the corner of my eye I see an old picture of me on the beach and I close my eyes and imagine I'm there, just for a second. I feel so calm and I can almost feel the sand pooling around my toes. I let my mind wander more and I wake up in the sand feeling as if everything is in it's right place.

It's been awhile

I haven't written in awhile not even in my paper journals because I've been working and in the process of moving into my new apartment!

You stayed with me even after you were gone I saw you in my dreams, I saw you in the reflection of the water and I could've sworn it was real. I missed you so much it was starting to eat at me, I literally could not shut my eyes without replaying that Sunday and start to drift off. I don' know what things will be like when you come home, will you still be one of the best friends I have ever had? Or will we pretend that this whole year didn't happen? That you weren't my shoulder to lean on, that I wasn't the one person you told all your secrets to. It's so hard losing friends and even still heartbreaking when you lose a great friend. Someone who gives you as much as you give them, and you don't feel slighted for once.

crashing like a tidal wave it drives me out to sea

Listening to her to her yell I am taken aback.

I feel my hands searching up my sides and my nails start pulling at my skin.

A little shiver runs up my legs and I think about the amount of damage I will inflict f I jump out of the car.

It is harder and harder to be around people who are so negative when I am just trying to get out of my own way.

I know that I can get through this because after one of the shittiest years, I survived for the most part unscathed with some abnormal and precancerous cells.

But, despite the words of others I know it isn't my fault and I didn't deserve nor expect to be so thrown.

I just wanted to go to the ocean yesterday, cry into the waves and have it all be muffled by them crashing down on me.

I want to tumble under the water without any control and come bursting up for air.

I just want to feel alive and well, I don't want medications or surgeries.

A peculiar thing love does for people

Eyes hang low, I shift from one foot to another.
A foot in my mouth.
You can't hold someone's love for another against them.
But I will always hold your actions against you, you are accountable. You have to be.
My eyes fill up and I turn away I let it go
She says she can't do it anymore and that it doesn't matter she has no purpose
I try to reason, there is nothing.
I say sometimes you do things to benefit others and not yourself, that it's a good thing.

my thoughts drift to you

Fuck I feel so weak.

Axis

Lately as an escape I let myself drift away and I think about me, you and a shoreline. That's all I want, I want things to be simple and to just happen. I want to enjoy these last couple months before you go off without me in the fall. I really do feel sometimes like I'm in a war of my life, I am not allowed to talk to anyone about anything. But, I still tell you, I tell you everything and I wait anxiously for your response. You always support and standby me and I don't even know how I can doubt you for a second. I will just have to somehow keep my head up and I just can't let myself be broken down by this. At some point I need to start doing what is best for me regardless of whether I should have some sort of 'loyalty' to someone who shares my blood. I don't owe her anything, she doesn't deserve any part of me.

"Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me, for all of my trying we still end up dying, how can it be? Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me, 'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see, I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed.
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me. So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing,
silently screaming,"I have to have you now." Wired and I'm tired think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours"
John Mayer - Edge of Desire

Understanding of love

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

-Chuck Klosterman

I've got you, I've got you

It's good to be in love, and that is really just so true.

It has been beautiful out

Sweater weather; my favorite.

Everything just feels too good, half the time I expect my house of cards to just tumble over

But it hasn't...

...(yet)

And honestly I hope it doesn't. I am no longer haunted by the ghosts of what I could have been or who I could have been with. I feel light and occasionally, simple. Laughing comes easy and despite the ever changing status of my home life, I've got you. And at times I feel weird or guilty for putting all this weight on you or into us rather, but it makes no difference. I have finally escaped my own thoughts, I can go to sleep and not hear a thousand little thoughts hovering above me. This weekend is going to be so nice, I can't wait to go hiking with you and your friends tomorrow. I just want to stay outside in this weather for as long as possible.

Swing my heartache

I miss you to the point where my heart aches, it physically hurts. But, when you come home after a week, to me it is like nothing else. You kiss the bridge of my nose over and over, you kiss my cheeks. And I can close my eyes, I can roll over only to find your hand searching for mine. I know I just saw you yesterday, but I miss you already. We always have so little time, for spring break let's take a staycation. Let's just stay right here.

Spring fevah

I am in such a good mood right now I feel as if I am floating. The sun is shining and it is warm on my back. It truly is such a beautiful day out, I want spring and bright colors. I want the sun.
Seeing Liz always puts things into perspective for me it's as if no time has passed and we get completely caught up about everything. Truthfully there is no where else I'd rather be than with a camera slung around my neck, a coffee in hand and a best friend walking beside me. Life is really good right now, I am very optimistic and looking forward to next weekend already, Saturday in particular. I am spending the day with my mum and I am really looking forward to it just being us.

Sore Ribs

"Love pull your sore ribs in
I will pull your tangles out
in the back of your car I feel like
I have traveled nowhere
what will bring me home
what will make me stay, stay
what will bring me home" Not Tonight - Tegan and Sara


I will hold you tight until the morning light floods in
I will kiss away all that hurts you
I will take away all that consumes
I just want you better, please feel better
I don't want to see your tired eyes, where are your bedroom eyes?

You say that we are the best thing

"You, you still have all the answers

and you, you still have them too
and we, we live half in the day time
and we, we live half at night
Watch things on VCR's, with me and talk about big love
I think we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing"
The Xx - VCR

I just love you.

Gray Matters

The act of missing someone changes and alters over a lifetime. You start off as a little kid and maybe you miss your ratty stuffed animal or your parents when they're at work. You grow up a little and you really lose someone, and it shakes you to the core. It rocks your world, like an earthquake breaking down all your naive little walls in your head. You feel your first crack in your heart that sends pains that shoot right the fuck up your spine. You spend hours hugging your little body and whimpering off to sleep. Your father tells you to grow up, so you do. You create a little shell around you, and all these people they come and they go and some come back. It all messes with your head to the point where you think feeling numb is better than feeling too much. You get older and the more people you lose the harder it is to distinguish the gray.

Slow down

In some ways I wish I never had to go back, that I could just turn my back on them. It is evident that they were never supposed to have these roles, never really thought them through, well that's my luck. I know it could be worse, but I hate that saying it is beyond irritating to me. I feel bad and then I don't. It's a constant war between my head, history and common sense.

You are right they are terrible,
well I mean they have their good moments,
but doesn't everyone?
Isn't everyone just made of good parts?
That's true no one is a perfect whole.

I don't know I guess I really am just ready to let go of this place and all the attachment and sentiment. the people in this house, the good the bad, the especially ugly and the beautiful moments where I woke up to sunshine and snow days.

I got caught up in the storm

And it's weird because you think that things are going well, and they are. You feel safe and calm, there aren't any thoughts interrupting you from falling into bed. Your heads hits the pillow and you sleep through the night. And then like a silent storm it consumes you. There are times when things are so beyond your control that you feel lost, the tide swallows you up. And it will continue to overtake you unless you refocus and put on a tough front. It's just so strange to me that one small event alters everything, it alters my future. I'm honestly trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it's pretty difficult. I just gotta keep hanging on, cus it's all I've got.



Just know that after I am tormented by these little horrible terribles I think of you and everything is alright, it's gonna be alright because you're by my side.

When nothing else makes sense

It is an oddly wonderful feeling to have
so much to lose.

For a minute there I lost myself

I lost consciousness in yours arms, how?
I have no recollections.
I remember you carrying me to the shower and holding me up, I couldn't stand on my own.
I was shaking, and everything was blurring.
Images, your face, your voice, I couldn't understand anything.
Somewhere distantly I heard you saying my name, you kept saying my name.
I never want to feel like that again, to not be able to feel, or see, or touch you.
Sometimes I think you truly are the best parts of me.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight
I did not know it could be like this
Some things are better off being left alone
There are things that are best left unknown

Oh hands, don’t fail me now
They’re the only things I have left
Oh fingers, don’t let me down now
They’re the only things that I’ve got
Oh world come, come crashing down now
Oh hands don’t fail me now
Oh let me become deaf and mute to this
Oh hands don’t fail me now

Great Lake Swimmers - Moving Shaking

I can not believe that there is even the slightest possibly that next fall I will over 2,000 miles away. I can not wrap my head around this magical thought that consumes me everyday. I am so excited and nervous, but mostly anxious to see where these next couple of months will carry me. Where will I end up? Mom already told me that you are ready to let me go, I was so happy. Happier than I have ever been to hear that you have realized we will never be alike, you just have to let me be exactly who I am. The black sheep.I am glad that you realized there is no point in trying to keep me around because I will transfer, I will find a way, and I will pay out of my own pocket.

Au pair; is that fair?

It is amusing that you come to me with your trysts and quandaries
expecting to see signs of empathy in my face.
You will only become familiar with my laugh lines because you are foolish,
how many times do I have to repeat myself?
It has become increasingly more tiresome,
I have felt more like a caretaker than someone resembling a confidant.
I would rather not consort with you, without you my life would be twice as ameliorable.
We'll see, oh we'll see.

your back is my wailing wall
your back is my wailing wall
your back is my wailing wall
your back is my wailing wall

Young Galaxy - Wailing Wall

Fitz and the Dizzyspells

I don't want to feel dependent on anyone, I want nothing to do with eighty percent of the people in my life. I want to pack up my things and move to the city, I want to be done with all the pettiness this place has to offer. I have spent so much time tip-toeing around people and walking on egg shells for the sake of their (in)sanity. It kills me that I wasted so much time on people the never deserved to be my friend in the first place. I can't wait for what tomorrow has to bring. I am so happy to wake up without this overwhelming feeling of other peoples' problems in my head. We had a good go, but it's not me it's you.

i have many unorganized thoughts about you

I roll over in bed and there is just empty space.
There is no one to brush the hair out of my eyes when I wake.
My forehead is left unkissed.
I suppose I should get used to you not being here for the next couple of weeks, because in a few months you'll be gone for 3 months.
Hearing you say it out loud that you miss me, my knees buckle just a bit.
Eventually I will tell you just how much I care, because I love the way you show me just how much you care about me every day.
I hate the city sometimes and I really don't like the cold at all, but we were standing in the middle of the busiest street on the east coast and you kissed me.
The cars, the smog and the people aren't there, everything melts away.
And I kiss you back, I kiss you with everything in my heart.

Ps: I love you.