crashing like a tidal wave it drives me out to sea

Listening to her to her yell I am taken aback.

I feel my hands searching up my sides and my nails start pulling at my skin.

A little shiver runs up my legs and I think about the amount of damage I will inflict f I jump out of the car.

It is harder and harder to be around people who are so negative when I am just trying to get out of my own way.

I know that I can get through this because after one of the shittiest years, I survived for the most part unscathed with some abnormal and precancerous cells.

But, despite the words of others I know it isn't my fault and I didn't deserve nor expect to be so thrown.

I just wanted to go to the ocean yesterday, cry into the waves and have it all be muffled by them crashing down on me.

I want to tumble under the water without any control and come bursting up for air.

I just want to feel alive and well, I don't want medications or surgeries.

Park that car, drop that phone

We were driving, and my mind was paralyzed. But, the quiet is so damn comforting. We sat side by side on the overpass, looking down at everyone else, I felt lucky to be so content and so far away. Displacement. I like how it feels when your arm is draped around my side, your hands in my hair and the wind chilling my bones. The only thing between us, is my pomegranate chap stick. We start driving again, and we make every excuse to miss my exit over and over again.
"in the night the city's quiet
from the rooftop we can see the moon rise high above the clouds
just enough light to see our faces give expression to the words we thought, but didn't speak
and then you asked me a question that i won't forget
even if i spend my life trying to live up to what it means"
Ida- Late Blues