c.e,

When you hear a name or a word you instantly connect to an image, a sound, a smell, or even a long line of words strung together haphazardly in your extensive bank of memories. I hear yours and lately my mind has been redirected to combative masculinity, I sleep with you at night in the form of wearing your shirts, it's like I'd rather have this form of you than to be with you in person. The idea of you is more conducive. I feel guilty because when I have talked about you lately I have taken such a tone that makes me ill, and I hate myself for it. You have no knowledge of any of this and I'm thankful. I am dishonest, and I have prided myself for years on being able to unwillingly always tell the truth, but I think this is the one time that I will lie and carry it around always. What I did was wrong, there are no excuses and to think about you committing this act would induce such unfathomable rage. I am a hypocrite, but I feel like this month will have soon melted away with the rest of this winter's snow. I can start anew, I can make it up to you, unknowingly. I just looked at my cell phone and there was a note. I put it there after a long day spent with you over a cup of coffee and winter's leftovers. I want to really feel for real, it shouldn't matter anyway. The only person I have been hiding from is myself.

And it just feels good when you're waking up
And it just feels good when you're next to me
And it just feels good when you're coming home
And it just feels good when you're waking up

And I've become just like a chemical stress
Tracing the lines of my face for
Something more beautiful than is there
I've barely been gone

And I'm not a failure, I swear

I wish you could see it from over there

I've got a lot over here without you
I've barely been gone

Gone dreaming

This is everything that I am right now, completely infinite in this second

____ is ____

Late and cold we wander; smell of sale and cumber walks.
The faster we go the quicker we'll end.
Beige-backed jumpers scared from those crooked stares, proved wrong
On public roads named by our attic air.
Tada to town light fire
Forks in the road we're not, spoons more so we're caught.
This town is dead from too much living, let's make our ending from new beginnings.

I think of you in colors that don't exist

We pour over each other, words bouncing off each other.
I felt so close to everyone last night, everyone except for you.
Could it have been the smoke, or the tapestries?
Was it the unfinished industrial lavatory?
Tell me, what made you get lost in yourself, to dig that hole?
You said that we were in a hell hole, well "our hell is the good life."
You are good enough.
I know you say that your intelligence is all that you have, but it doesn't have to be
There is so much more.
I see you in colors that don't exist, I can't describe your face, I can't describe all that you are to me.
I want to document what it is that lies between us.

"oh god it's wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much"
Excerpt from Frank O'Hara 'Steps'

Inconclusive IVD

I'm laying on a metal bed and the attendant is poking my arm trying to find a good vein. I start to cry a little I'm tired of the tests, no answers, inconclusives. She finally finds a good vein, she tells me what will happen once they put they dye into my bloodstream. I don't say anything. I lay there in an empty room hooked up to machines and I stare at the cracked ceiling. The bad plaster does not comfort me, no one holds my hand. They tell me when to breathe, they run their tests. My mouth tastes only like metallic, my legs feel like ants are running through my veins. I'm so damn tired, I haven't eaten in 48 hours. I don't want to move. After several hours, I pick myself up hoping this will be the last time I will be meeting with doctors, specialists, having appointments, having disappointments.

I will get answers.

I wait in another room, I fiddle my thumbs, I rest my head on my Dad's shoulder he tells me to go to sleep. They come back and tell me it's inconclusive, it's not my kidney's this time. Next step is to meet with my regular doctor, meet a new specialist, go to another hospital, more absence.

Absence;

Devotion no matter what the cost

I just want to be back sitting over the edge of that porch watching the swells and the moon. I want to be talking about nonsense and have you understand everything I'm saying because your eyes are so fixated on my mouth. I knew you understood, I threw my head back and laughed so hard as we spun around. Your friend dared me to run right into the waves and I did. We drove for four consecutive hours, not once stopping. We took every scenic route because we didn't have commitments, we worried about no one. Detaching ourselves from our pathetic existences back home. There always seems to be so much promise in the middle of the night, we have aspirations and dreams we don't talk about during the day. Afraid they will die when the sun rises.

Sans hermit

What it must feel like not to be so manic.
Oui.