"I suppose I should hope that it turns out fine
But I hope that some sadness does cross your mind
And you'll look for me when you have crossed that line
Come one day

But, I can't wait for you
I can't wait for you"

I woke up this morning to my phone buzzing in my ear. I had several messages, one of which was from you. So naturally I asked how you were doing, what was going on in your life. I really shouldn't be bothered that you are building a home and a family with someone else, but it tears apart at a little piece of me I thought I let go. We should have never dragged this out for all these years. It's weird thinking about all the winters we spent together, winter was our season. Winters and summers. We used to own the night, you still remember don't you?

White Whales.

"Just remember this, you were... and still are my white whale...
Think of Moby Dick, Moby Dick was a white whale in a literal sense,
but he was never able to catch it, always just slightly out of reach.

Everything he wanted, but is always and will always be out of his reach."

If you find me, hide me I don't know where I've been

When the daylight's like fluorescent lights,
I'm going to take my time night by night
when the daylight's like fluorescent lights,
I hang my hands over your eyes to hide
Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton - "Telethon"

I wake up lonely.

I haven't been able to sleep for days and I realized it's because you're not here. So when I walked into your room yesterday afternoon it was too easy to just crawl right beside you in bed. I really missed you this week and it was weird missing someone that much because well, I don't normally do this. I don't let myself get to this point.



Everywhere and every way I see you with me.

some boys i know

they speak with broken mouths
i have to sit inside their stomachs
to find out what they're really about

but not like the days
when the sky is blue
and all that i had
was a little of me and a little of you

some girls i know
they speak with broken mouths
i have to sit within their stomach
to find out what they're really about

cause now days
all people want to confuse
to help them not to talk
to help them not to feel

but they can't be their eyes
several times I've seen them try
they know, they cant be their eyes

How do you do it, make me feel like I do

We don't have to get up, we can close our eyes and just stay here
We can pretend that the sun hasn't come up yet, let's just stay here
I trace your neck and back with my hands and it takes everything I have not to get out of bed and leave

Folkloric Feelings

And it took me so long to realize that I was better off, what an eregious mistake.

It's such a serene feeling to have, to be emersed in everything that I am, with you.

I feel like I could really learn how to feel with you, because the truth is I hate missing you.

I hate feeling so much for you all at once, you make everything real.

And to be quite honest, that's really fucking frightening.

You spend so much time telling yourself not to feel a certain way that you forget what it was like to feel in the first place.

You forget how to cry, or even when it's appropriate to cry.

Your laugh becomes forced, your smile practiced too many times that it almost looks painful with too much gum showing.

You start believing that that is all you deserve, you have the kind of love you think you deserve.

And the day you talk to someone who changes all of that, you really start living.

You open yours eyes in the morning without regretting it instantly and you pause to 'appreciate' the little things.

You could spend hours sleeping on a concave chest because well it's copacetic.

But, it's better than that.

I wrote one of my college essays about swimming and as much as it hurts sometimes I love swimming with all my heart. I've been swimming competitively since I was 6 and it's really weird thinking about how I won't be back next season. I loved being captain, it was an amazing experience. I love all of my girls and I feel like I really impacted a few and hopefully all of them in some way. I yelled at them, I cried with them, I laughed with them and now after four years it's over. When I got to see my old coach it just kind of dawned on me, standing there, hugging her, and crying until my eyes were red. I can't really describe what it felt like in that moment, happiness complete sadness and anxiousness all at once. I can't wait for States.