sea

and tonight I feel like I need the beach

I want to lose myself in the smells that do a dance under my nose

I want to rewind time back to when I was in someone's arms

up in the air

just

spinning

with the wind chilling my bones

my breath spiraling in little puffs towards the sky

the shock of the wave crashing down on my skin

that night was so dreamy

I can just remember running up and down the shore

in a desolate little town

no one was around for miles

and i loved you openly

For always

Dear You,

I thought I could make this easy. I thought I could somehow replace you with making myself busy, or by meeting new people, but it didn't really work out quite that way. For a short while I was preoccupied and I didn't let myself miss you. I realized they are no comparison or substitute for what we have or who you are. It helps to write it down. In case you had any doubts, or if you were feeling uneasy, know that I love you for always.

You are a song for me to sing, a string of verses that goes on & on

There's never really any right time to leave or any goodbye that will make you feel less alone after someone leaves. I remember freshman year absolutely resenting my boyfriend at the time for leaving and not saying goodbye. He just packed up everything and left, went to another country and then another. When we finally saw each other again, I understood. Goodbyes are just too hard.

And now it seems strange with my current boyfriend gone. We said two goodbyes, the first was honestly the most heart-wreching, gut-pulling, nauseous goodbye, because it just hurt too much. He forgot something and had to come back, the second time was better, in my head we were just hugging until next time. Next time being 3 or more months from now. But, I am actually doing a lot better than I thought, I guess it helps that I have never associated any songs with him or with us. Which was always the hardest part for me, after a break up, a passing or a goodbye the songs that I associated with them seemed to play on loop. Which is just awful because how can you not get sentimental?

I'll miss you all through the fall and into the winter

As the summer's light slowly dims, and the heat begins to recede it reminds me that my time with you is ending. It wouldn't be so hard if I got to spend your last weeks continuously with you, sleeping and living with you. After we started putting everything in its right place, it ocurred to me that we won't be sharing this bed, or this table. I will be living totally alone til the winter and I am scared. I am worried where my mind will wander, I am the most terrified of becoming paralyzed by depression. I want to be able to live and grow without you, but I almost feel guilty not being able to share it all with you. I am not really sure where I am going with this, I just hate the feeling of missing someone and knowing that if you really did need them they can't just appear. I don't awnt to miss you for months. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary alone or enjoy my favorite season, Autumn alone. I love Autumn and all of it's colors, but apart of me now loves it more because it's the time of year we met and fell in love. There won't be any apple picking or drinking hot cider together. Somehow I am comforted by knowing that when you come back from the military I will have you everyday to go to bed with at night and again to wake up to. By the end of winter you'll be back home, fingers intertwined with mine.

Dinosaur mug

I'm sitting in my old room drinking coffee out of a mug I bought 3 and a half years ago and it is so oddly comforting. The breeze is coming in and rolling over my skin leaving behind fresh goosebumps. It feels good, and reminds me off all the autumn days that I sat here drinking 6 or 7 cups of tea and just writing, writing, writing. I like feeling that way again, I feel independent and that I can be okay by myself, I have no thoughts about anything else or than what I am doing right now. It's as if my mind has been wiped clean and I can just focus on the sound of my own inhaling, exhaling, sipping, repeat. Out of the corner of my eye I see an old picture of me on the beach and I close my eyes and imagine I'm there, just for a second. I feel so calm and I can almost feel the sand pooling around my toes. I let my mind wander more and I wake up in the sand feeling as if everything is in it's right place.

It's been awhile

I haven't written in awhile not even in my paper journals because I've been working and in the process of moving into my new apartment!

You stayed with me even after you were gone I saw you in my dreams, I saw you in the reflection of the water and I could've sworn it was real. I missed you so much it was starting to eat at me, I literally could not shut my eyes without replaying that Sunday and start to drift off. I don' know what things will be like when you come home, will you still be one of the best friends I have ever had? Or will we pretend that this whole year didn't happen? That you weren't my shoulder to lean on, that I wasn't the one person you told all your secrets to. It's so hard losing friends and even still heartbreaking when you lose a great friend. Someone who gives you as much as you give them, and you don't feel slighted for once.

crashing like a tidal wave it drives me out to sea

Listening to her to her yell I am taken aback.

I feel my hands searching up my sides and my nails start pulling at my skin.

A little shiver runs up my legs and I think about the amount of damage I will inflict f I jump out of the car.

It is harder and harder to be around people who are so negative when I am just trying to get out of my own way.

I know that I can get through this because after one of the shittiest years, I survived for the most part unscathed with some abnormal and precancerous cells.

But, despite the words of others I know it isn't my fault and I didn't deserve nor expect to be so thrown.

I just wanted to go to the ocean yesterday, cry into the waves and have it all be muffled by them crashing down on me.

I want to tumble under the water without any control and come bursting up for air.

I just want to feel alive and well, I don't want medications or surgeries.