Selfish selflessness

I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit

I cant get used to my body's limits
I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues
They cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing
I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete
I need to get out of this city
Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky
Wondering where I go when I die
When I die.

I looked at you through the fumes, and I leaned in and asked, "How did you learn to deal with life after your father's passing?" I know you've been waiting for me to ask this, you smiled and said, "Well I took to the bottle, but that got me no where, no where at all. It made me more depressed when I couldn't even produce tears. You know it's been three years a few weeks ago?" "I leaned into you and I said I know." My mind traveled back to the day when we stood out in the parking lot surrounded by the whole girl's swim team. They didn't know you, or your dad the way I did, I was mad that they used his memorial as a day off from school. You nearly crushed my bones to dust that day, holding onto my hand with everything you had left. I buried my face in your hair and through the sounds of the planes saluting and flying over head. I told you and your dad that I was sorry it got too hard for me to come over your house towards the end, I'm still so sorry. you needed me and I disappeared. I couldn't handle all of my shit and I closed myself off from the truest, bluest friend I have ever known. Just hanging out with you again, I see so much of your dad in you, god he was the greatest dad in the world. I miss the nights when we'd stay in and dream of our future selves, when your dad would tell me stories, when he was so damn worried about my eating habits. You have his eyes, his presence, his wisdom. I feel like a fool for walking out on you, but you invited me to see you again soon. Sitting on that porch at a girl's house we barely know, surrounded by people we barely know, smoking and reliving our decade of friendship.

I'm lying on the cold cold tile, the door next to me has a terrible draft, I look down at my legs they are all pastel and translucent. My veins are so defined like the circles around my eyes, I swore I could see the blood flowing right through me. Bones I haven't seen in years are becoming more defined so I have to hold myself closer, gotta hold it all in. My shoulder blades are popping out of my skin like bird wings, if only I could fly. My summer skin is long gone, with my long mass of Auburn curls. My skin is tinted a million shades of blue and you. My hair is back to black, like a dark crown that sits on my head. I feel awkward in several more layers than everyone around me.
Your finger tapped me on the shoulder, with a sneer like that you might as well be a cartoon you look so god damn comical. You added a comment that's dripping wet with ignorance. I ran across the tile, leaping over everyone and dodging questions. My hands grab both sides of the sink I look at myself, where has all the color gone? I am so pale. I wipe off my makeup and head out and there you are telling everyone about what I did. I was humiliated, looking around at everyone's faces, I tried to read them, did I let them down too? I storm out avoiding looking at the black holes, I can't but yet again you jerk my shoulder backwards. It takes everything in me not to lose my composure and walk right out that drafty door. I dive in, I don't feel the temperature I just glide right through gritting my teeth so hard my jaws starts to crack. I got out to stretch my muscles thin, my head is down and no one seems to get the message. When were any of you ever here for me? Why is it now you are swarming? The slip of paper told me to check off what I need help with I took my pencil and made heavy check marks next to grieving, mental diseases including paranoia, anxiety and depression. After my big race you say

Hey all you have to do is listen.

I do. But everything you're saying has been forced, repeated to you, a lie, the right thing to do. No I will not accept you can't make me look weak in front of anyone. I took a chance, I took a fall so crucify me. I walk away but I feel more like running this isn't a joke, I'm done I said. And after's all been said, done and I proved you wrong, you take it upon yourself to publicly apologize. I feel 20 sets of eyes on me, and I shrink back into the wall, you haven't learned anything.

Our lips are sealed

My eyes roll back in my head they are glazed over and I am looking straight up at you. I have always had a fear of looking people directly in the eye. I avoid it, but last night I couldn't take my eyes off of you. With your arm pulling my sore ribs in closer, closer to you. We watched D. Darko and I commented about paranoia schizophrenia and my own paranoia. You know just how to shut up me up with a kiss on my lips that trails to the back of my ear down to my collarbone past my neck. I contort and twist. Underneath you I am warm, my head tipped back, you run your hands down the front of my chest. Your fingers sink into my spine and this is just the beginning, we are only kissing. You have the softest mouth and I can not detach myself from it. My hands in your hair, your mandibles sketch designs all over my back and skull. I'm sinking slowly and I do not care. I am yours, I have always been yours. My hair is wild, curls cascading down my back and I don't care. Your breathing in my ear I can barely control myself tonight. Not yet, not yet. Let me show you what I'm capable of, I can give you something to miss.

It seems so out of context

"I want to show you some tricks"
I'll show you a magic trick, your disappearing act.

Five OH FIVE oh. We backed up into a cop car and I yelled inaudible phrases as the two cars smashed together.Only us I said this could only happen to us. They encircled us shining their hand held flashlights into the windows. My body was no longer outlined with the neon lights, bright lights were everywhere, closing in on us. I like your face when it is lit up. I started panicking because what was I supposed to do? It was a race of layers and my better faces. My little voice that was so scratchy came out to just a whisper as I answered each question. I thought about the consequences I was unsure, so unsure of the outcome. I heard you tell him I was your girlfriend. And just an hour before I was telling you my ex lover's greatest secret, my ex lover is dead. On the drive home we laughed about it knowing we'd tell our friends of how hilarious it was. But I'm not laughing anymore because all anyone wants to tell me are things I don't want to hear. I know already I know. I'm scared to find out the truth, to see if you had been cheating my heart and cheating me your favorite game, chess.