and you are just a ;paperbook
lost at sea, drift to me.

I should know

I felt like not only did every last breath in my body get knocked out of me, but like the blood was drained, I sat there hugging myself, completely cold to the touch. I am asking too much, I'm going about it in all the wrong ways, why try winning when the game is rigged for me to lose? My chest felt sunken in, and you kept commenting on my black eyes and how I should sleep. Except when I tell you what keeps me up at night, what I was feeling at that moment you dismiss it. You had to put your foot down somewhere, what I want is irrelevant, not important. Who I have I become?

A silver lining; seperate thoughts

Yo quiero comenzar mi vida.

These past few months, no matter how stressful and disoriented I got I knew there had to be a something worth it, and today I found it at a table, surrounded by my family, and you. Celebrating a holiday that has no bearing or weight in any of our lives. Cooking together, laughing, and realizing how stupid I have been. It was the few and far between moments I should have analyzed instead of the bigger picture. And then you said it, the only thing I have wanted to hear, "well we've got a whole lot of time."

"hands down
i'm too proud for love
but with eyes shut
it's you i'm thinking of
but how we move from A to B?
it can't be up to me
'cause you don't know
eye to eye"
Drake and Lyyke Li - Little Bit

You get mistaken for a stranger by your own friends

Let's raise a glass to squalor, but more importantly incompetence.
I'm the incompetent one, because I just don't understand your ways.
You're the filth, the misery stricken.
I listen and while you are talking I'm having my own conversation with myself. A debate is going on between the rights and the wrongs, "what to say next, shit what am I going to say next. He just contradicted himself, did you hear that too?"
"God, now I need to think of something else."
I look up and a pair of eyes are boring into me. I get a little fidgety, realizing the long pause is being extended because I have to reply with something witty, something interesting, it's what is expected. I can't ever just say, "well that's true. I see what you are trying to get across."
Who needs a degree? I'm already everyone's personal psychologist, and on my downtime I double as a chameleon. Whatever you need me to be, I am.

I fear that the sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear into the haze of the city

I finally realized what my problem is, it's the fact that I am too nice, I let people back in my life that I never should have talked to that first day so many months or years ago. I am the better person in most of my relationships, I am the better friend in the friendships I have. I don't just talk, I mostly listen. I don't break plans, I'm not secretive or conniving, I'm respectful and I will tell you my honest opinion without inflicting any pain at all. I guess I'm one of kind, I must be the only one. I understand you can't go through life as a hermit, interactions and relationships are important if you want survive. I hate that the one thing you want to be normal you won't even consider working at. Where did the compromise go? I just had a conversation with myself out loud and I talked about how I have no conscience when it comes to you, I don't feel an ounce of regret, at this point I am going to do what I have to do in order to keep my sanity, I deserve to be happy. What you don't deserve is my time. I used to consider you one of the best things that ever happened to me but I guess time happens, some of us grow up and we know who has our best interest in mind. Others are still trying to impress people who don't give a fuck. What happened to the girl with the bright eyes and who cared more about friendships than keeping up with the joneses? I never thought I would say this, but I have to agree that the city has changed you. I have to say I've never seen you look so good, but it kills me that you are putting up fronts. Stop worrying and let what will be, just be.

The moment I let go was the moment that I got more than I could handle

I don't believe in planning your life over twenty years ahead, to me this is not something I can comprehend. I kind of see it as pointless, you leave no room to let things take their own course, there is no room for error. I like change, I like good unexpected occurrences, and I like learning to deal with what doesn't destroy will eventually make me stronger. The whole time I'm listening to your sonnet, that is your existence, I'm wondering where I fit into this. And I start feeling like I'm not so sure I want to fit into your perfectly methodical equation. You're a problem solver concrete and purely factual. I'm a free spirit, I am analytical but I look at things a little more abstract than most.
But, there are these pair of eyes I can't get out of my mind. Without them I become a cynical bitch to say the least. I think about them and everything slowly gets a little less serious, a little easier to decipher.

3:33 am

In the early hours of the day are when I miss you most, I just want to be around you, for you to be near me. You ask what I'm worried about most, do I worry for selfish reasons? Of course I do, I am so damn lonely and you are the only person that appreciates my anxiousness and eccentricities every single day. I am worried about cutting the cord to find you are what keeps me sane, I should be able to function on my own. Where do you start? Where do I end? What really scares me is the person that you could possibly become. Will all your original theories be lost? Will you be tainted by all that you will see? You scorned me yesterday, telling me I can't have an opinion I did not participate. But people who have been there are supposed to tell you it's not that bad, it's their job, it's all in the paperwork. You're becoming federal property. You tell me I can brag about what you're doing over there, but I've never been the bragging type. I always thought this was a joke that you could never be serious about it, tomorrow you'll decide.
"You are all I have here, I don't have anything waiting for me."

I try to argue with you, I lay on my side and the tears from my left eye fall into my right. I yell, but no sound comes out. I consider my own major choices, should I just pack up and leave to San Francisco? Should I just get away from everything and everyone on the East Coast? I can't help to think I might be better off being entirely disconnected. I read through your papers, it says you are signing up for 6-8 years, you did not tell me this. I wonder if the people that you talked to are telling you even the slightest truth. We sit in the car driving through the back roads to Salmon River, my arms are folded and I'm looking out the window. You keep talking about the benefits, this will help you get ahead. You get frustrated because I don't have a distinct stance on anything, I'm passive. I tell you to just stop bringing it up, I want to have a normal day. Hours later the sun fades into a million colors and you ask me if I just want to keep driving, I say yes.