Gray Matters

The act of missing someone changes and alters over a lifetime. You start off as a little kid and maybe you miss your ratty stuffed animal or your parents when they're at work. You grow up a little and you really lose someone, and it shakes you to the core. It rocks your world, like an earthquake breaking down all your naive little walls in your head. You feel your first crack in your heart that sends pains that shoot right the fuck up your spine. You spend hours hugging your little body and whimpering off to sleep. Your father tells you to grow up, so you do. You create a little shell around you, and all these people they come and they go and some come back. It all messes with your head to the point where you think feeling numb is better than feeling too much. You get older and the more people you lose the harder it is to distinguish the gray.

Slow down

In some ways I wish I never had to go back, that I could just turn my back on them. It is evident that they were never supposed to have these roles, never really thought them through, well that's my luck. I know it could be worse, but I hate that saying it is beyond irritating to me. I feel bad and then I don't. It's a constant war between my head, history and common sense.

You are right they are terrible,
well I mean they have their good moments,
but doesn't everyone?
Isn't everyone just made of good parts?
That's true no one is a perfect whole.

I don't know I guess I really am just ready to let go of this place and all the attachment and sentiment. the people in this house, the good the bad, the especially ugly and the beautiful moments where I woke up to sunshine and snow days.

I got caught up in the storm

And it's weird because you think that things are going well, and they are. You feel safe and calm, there aren't any thoughts interrupting you from falling into bed. Your heads hits the pillow and you sleep through the night. And then like a silent storm it consumes you. There are times when things are so beyond your control that you feel lost, the tide swallows you up. And it will continue to overtake you unless you refocus and put on a tough front. It's just so strange to me that one small event alters everything, it alters my future. I'm honestly trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it's pretty difficult. I just gotta keep hanging on, cus it's all I've got.



Just know that after I am tormented by these little horrible terribles I think of you and everything is alright, it's gonna be alright because you're by my side.

When nothing else makes sense

It is an oddly wonderful feeling to have
so much to lose.

For a minute there I lost myself

I lost consciousness in yours arms, how?
I have no recollections.
I remember you carrying me to the shower and holding me up, I couldn't stand on my own.
I was shaking, and everything was blurring.
Images, your face, your voice, I couldn't understand anything.
Somewhere distantly I heard you saying my name, you kept saying my name.
I never want to feel like that again, to not be able to feel, or see, or touch you.
Sometimes I think you truly are the best parts of me.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight
I did not know it could be like this
Some things are better off being left alone
There are things that are best left unknown

Oh hands, don’t fail me now
They’re the only things I have left
Oh fingers, don’t let me down now
They’re the only things that I’ve got
Oh world come, come crashing down now
Oh hands don’t fail me now
Oh let me become deaf and mute to this
Oh hands don’t fail me now

Great Lake Swimmers - Moving Shaking

I can not believe that there is even the slightest possibly that next fall I will over 2,000 miles away. I can not wrap my head around this magical thought that consumes me everyday. I am so excited and nervous, but mostly anxious to see where these next couple of months will carry me. Where will I end up? Mom already told me that you are ready to let me go, I was so happy. Happier than I have ever been to hear that you have realized we will never be alike, you just have to let me be exactly who I am. The black sheep.I am glad that you realized there is no point in trying to keep me around because I will transfer, I will find a way, and I will pay out of my own pocket.

Au pair; is that fair?

It is amusing that you come to me with your trysts and quandaries
expecting to see signs of empathy in my face.
You will only become familiar with my laugh lines because you are foolish,
how many times do I have to repeat myself?
It has become increasingly more tiresome,
I have felt more like a caretaker than someone resembling a confidant.
I would rather not consort with you, without you my life would be twice as ameliorable.
We'll see, oh we'll see.

your back is my wailing wall
your back is my wailing wall
your back is my wailing wall
your back is my wailing wall

Young Galaxy - Wailing Wall