It's been awhile

I haven't written in awhile not even in my paper journals because I've been working and in the process of moving into my new apartment!

You stayed with me even after you were gone I saw you in my dreams, I saw you in the reflection of the water and I could've sworn it was real. I missed you so much it was starting to eat at me, I literally could not shut my eyes without replaying that Sunday and start to drift off. I don' know what things will be like when you come home, will you still be one of the best friends I have ever had? Or will we pretend that this whole year didn't happen? That you weren't my shoulder to lean on, that I wasn't the one person you told all your secrets to. It's so hard losing friends and even still heartbreaking when you lose a great friend. Someone who gives you as much as you give them, and you don't feel slighted for once.

crashing like a tidal wave it drives me out to sea

Listening to her to her yell I am taken aback.

I feel my hands searching up my sides and my nails start pulling at my skin.

A little shiver runs up my legs and I think about the amount of damage I will inflict f I jump out of the car.

It is harder and harder to be around people who are so negative when I am just trying to get out of my own way.

I know that I can get through this because after one of the shittiest years, I survived for the most part unscathed with some abnormal and precancerous cells.

But, despite the words of others I know it isn't my fault and I didn't deserve nor expect to be so thrown.

I just wanted to go to the ocean yesterday, cry into the waves and have it all be muffled by them crashing down on me.

I want to tumble under the water without any control and come bursting up for air.

I just want to feel alive and well, I don't want medications or surgeries.

A peculiar thing love does for people

Eyes hang low, I shift from one foot to another.
A foot in my mouth.
You can't hold someone's love for another against them.
But I will always hold your actions against you, you are accountable. You have to be.
My eyes fill up and I turn away I let it go
She says she can't do it anymore and that it doesn't matter she has no purpose
I try to reason, there is nothing.
I say sometimes you do things to benefit others and not yourself, that it's a good thing.

my thoughts drift to you

Fuck I feel so weak.

Axis

Lately as an escape I let myself drift away and I think about me, you and a shoreline. That's all I want, I want things to be simple and to just happen. I want to enjoy these last couple months before you go off without me in the fall. I really do feel sometimes like I'm in a war of my life, I am not allowed to talk to anyone about anything. But, I still tell you, I tell you everything and I wait anxiously for your response. You always support and standby me and I don't even know how I can doubt you for a second. I will just have to somehow keep my head up and I just can't let myself be broken down by this. At some point I need to start doing what is best for me regardless of whether I should have some sort of 'loyalty' to someone who shares my blood. I don't owe her anything, she doesn't deserve any part of me.

"Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me, for all of my trying we still end up dying, how can it be? Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me, 'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see, I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed.
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me. So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing,
silently screaming,"I have to have you now." Wired and I'm tired think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours"
John Mayer - Edge of Desire

Understanding of love

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

-Chuck Klosterman

I've got you, I've got you

It's good to be in love, and that is really just so true.

It has been beautiful out

Sweater weather; my favorite.

Everything just feels too good, half the time I expect my house of cards to just tumble over

But it hasn't...

...(yet)

And honestly I hope it doesn't. I am no longer haunted by the ghosts of what I could have been or who I could have been with. I feel light and occasionally, simple. Laughing comes easy and despite the ever changing status of my home life, I've got you. And at times I feel weird or guilty for putting all this weight on you or into us rather, but it makes no difference. I have finally escaped my own thoughts, I can go to sleep and not hear a thousand little thoughts hovering above me. This weekend is going to be so nice, I can't wait to go hiking with you and your friends tomorrow. I just want to stay outside in this weather for as long as possible.