the fixer

"So leave out the others baby
And say I'm the only one
Cut out the uniforms and settle with the sun
Hey I want you to know
Cos I wanna know
And it's a strange condition
And life in prison
It's got me outta my head
And I don't know what I came for..."

Last night I heard you whispering it in your sleep, I think you feel it too.
How is it possible that I can miss you already?

Summer's Past

It's really weird hearing from you again just because well how things took that unfortunate turn. I didn't know who's side to be on, but I really was on yours. However, blood is thicker than water and I didn't have much of a choice to stop being your friend. I know that you didn't mean to do what you did on purpose, things just got out of hand so fast. I thought it was hysterical most of the night until the end. I sincerely hope you are doing well, I have no hard feelings towards you what so ever and I don't think I ever did. You really are an intelligent, nice and hilarious person with even more hilarious friends. I just thought that things would turn out different. I thought that when you came home it would smell like summer again. I thought that when you came home we could si in your back yard and talk about the stars just one more time.

Public enemies

battlewounds.

Hands in the dark, hands over my face. I want to curl up next you and just forget this. I want to forget the last two years and all that I wasted my time on. I didn't want to smell like him, so I scrubbed my skin raw. I hugged my knees and I bit down hard on my lower lip. I just wish that I could disappear sometimes. Or maybe I could just take that flight across the country, maybe that's how far I need to distance myself. 3,000 miles would surely be enough. I want to wake up in the morning pretending it never happened, but that's not realistic at all. I just wish you were here.

you're in so much trouble you can't hide in the covers

I wake up every morning and instead of burying myself in all the covers, I wake up happy, I wake up feeling lucky. I have someone to love and someone who loves me, my best friend. I have two people who accept me unconditionally for all that I am, for everything I bring to the table. These two people mean the world to me, and I haven't known either of them for years and years. However, instead of expecting or hoping rather, that they would be there for me I don't have to ask they just are. And I think that means everything, means everything to me at least. I can go to sleep without worrying constantly without my heart feeling heavy.




This is quite possibly my favorite winter song, no matter what happens I always come back to this song.

"I suppose I should hope that it turns out fine
But I hope that some sadness does cross your mind
And you'll look for me when you have crossed that line
Come one day

But, I can't wait for you
I can't wait for you"

I woke up this morning to my phone buzzing in my ear. I had several messages, one of which was from you. So naturally I asked how you were doing, what was going on in your life. I really shouldn't be bothered that you are building a home and a family with someone else, but it tears apart at a little piece of me I thought I let go. We should have never dragged this out for all these years. It's weird thinking about all the winters we spent together, winter was our season. Winters and summers. We used to own the night, you still remember don't you?

White Whales.

"Just remember this, you were... and still are my white whale...
Think of Moby Dick, Moby Dick was a white whale in a literal sense,
but he was never able to catch it, always just slightly out of reach.

Everything he wanted, but is always and will always be out of his reach."