Put your hands on me, my love

"What did you say?"
"I said I just hate goodbyes and I hate saying goodbye to you."

I miss you at odd hours, but mostly when I am sleeping because you're not there.

Ideal.

I like driving with you in the pouring rain, my head on your shoulder and rushing home just to fall asleep next to you. I like when you wake me up at four in the morning just to tell me something you thought I'd laugh at, and to freckle my face with kisses. I like falling back into your couch to drink warm apple cider
and watching movies with you.

I like that you always reach for my hand first.

Yes I am guilty of this you should know this

I honestly think I am looking for every excuse no matter how minuscule to just let myself not feel something again. Which in turn scares me twice as much as the original situation because I don't want to be so nervous and looking back on the past that I miss all the good right in front of me. I never want to be that person that is so stuck in everything that's already happened, that they forget to live.

I guess I'm just going to have to trust you.

I'm just so happy right now, there are no mind games, there is no wondering, there is no waiting around. I like just laying next to you in bed, with the curtains drawn low. I feel like I can finally just let go and not have to analyze so much because for once there is nothing to analyze. We are we are when we are together and that is more than enough.

exhaustion

"Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts "
Electric President, Good Morning, Hypocrite.

moth's wings

Yesterday was a good day, woke up, picked him up and drove all over Connecticut. It was so beautiful out so I rescheduled my college tours and went apple picking instead. Went to lunch with him and it was awkward, so we went somewhere else and it was just nice to talk. I don't know it's just feels good to be able to relate so much to and see myself so easily in someone else' shoes. Went looking for books and literally ran right into someone. I grabbed his hand and made my way out, there was just too much irony to deal with in one day. I honestly, wouldn't have believed it if it didn't happen to me, but it what it is. I love fall, I like taking pictures of you and bringing you to have traditional Italian desserts and espresso. I like being lame, and laughing and smiling and just generally feeling like I'm floating two inches off the ground.

ptsd

I cried for the first time in a couple of months and it was strange. I was driving and all of a sudden a car came centimeters away from slamming into me. I freaked out, pulled over, parked and cried. I felt so awkward just crying in my car on the side of the road, but even the fact that I came that close to getting into an accident honestly, just sent me right over the edge. I miss his face, his lanky arms and his green eyes. I really would've liked to do something a little more productive. I studied, and then went to my dad's parents' house. I showed them several prints and pictures of the swim team, I love hear old stories about how they met. I really just want to wake up finish my photo assignment, develop my film, and visit colleges and walk around campuses. I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed as of late, I have no time to do anything and I want to drop a class. I know I can't and I should really just get the easy A, but that's so boring to me. I miss my friends, I miss New York and I don't know what's stopping me from just getting on a train and showing up at her doorstep.