Ironically ironic

"You're trying so hard not to be what you already are, and that's okay because I really like who you are."

my body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one i love

My mind is a series of disconnected wires. I don't make any sense to anyone but myself, I can not explain my actions so I make up an excuse that I am crazy, I am not. But it's easier to just say that rather than try to rationalize what I do and say. I recognize what you are saying, but why should I have to hold back? Why shouldn't I be allowed to make these actions to say what I feel, am I not entitled? I am plagued by an illness I can not control, it controls my mind, but mostly my equilibrium. I just want someone to understand what this feels like, I wouldn't wish i t on anyone I just can't keep trying to go through this by myself. I am not producing as much blood as I should be, because I keep losing blood everyday. I wake up clutching my sides, I want to scream but I still get up, my daily routine is starting to take so much out of me. I go to bed at night more exhausted than I've ever been, and still...

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven
I'm living in an age
Still turning in the night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight
I'm living in an age
Realizing I'm dancing
With the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're still next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free

breathing patterns

This feeling of when it gets colder my heart gets warmer is comforting. It starts to let people back in, and I annually break down every wall I've built around myself. I make realizations about those who I thought would be my pillars, but have turned out to be just ruins. I can not lean on them any longer. "I got it, you got somewhere else to be." After last night I can look past it, I've looked past everything I felt like you were sleeping next to me again. Your breathing lulling me to sleep. My eyes watered from the early morning light seeping into the blinds, and because I was/am completely content. It's the ambient music that I fall back into step with, it's the coexistence, and it's my mind playing tricks on me. Your bare face, god I haven't seen it in so long, and you looked taller. Just sitting on my couch watching tv and talking with your best friend. You never once looked at the candles, or the glaring screen, or his beard, I was the focus point. The lines on your face will always give you away.

Begging you to wait for a minute by the wall where your creeping feet have never been before

I didn't think regressing so much was even possible, I am surrealism. My knees have begun to buckle. Atmospheres and layers consume. Swallowing me whole and if I cross my fingers, they will spit out just the bones. Jelly bones. Tire wastes. Blood thinners. I do not deserve your perfect rows of white enamel, or your lanky stature, certainly not the words stemmed from years of pouring over books. No one knows how to communicate anymore, pick up the phone tell me about your brittle bones. Tell me about your scandalous lackluster friends, oh wait you only make contact when you want to complain. But I am moving backwards, my feet slipping up in the wax floors I slide down the halls, regress, suppress, repress. Some city scape, I'm not easily impressed. the pressure and the feeling as if walls are moving in closer. Flickering candles, wind, graphite pencils and a painting of produce. Dark hair, dark eyes, moccasins for shoes. Idealism, I will not you let in. Realism. Age, numbers, secrets, organs. It's my tennis's shoes fault.

Ageless beauty

How is it that I've lost the ability to cry? Is it the commonplace of funeral homes and churches in my life beginning to numb me? I can look into an open casket and feel nothing for someone who I am related to, someone who loved my family with all their heart. I cannot cry even though the numbers of the first generation has dwindled to two. This is hard, not being able to feel. I've become frigid much like the air outside that dries out my eyes and skin. You didn't look 89 Polly, not at all. Not a wrinkle in your skin, your hair perfectly curled, everyone in the room was jealous of you. Stephen talked about how he's had seven funerals in four months it's a wonder he can barely focus at work. And I wonder has this security blanket around my waist been induced by the depression and stress that has become a burdening dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go. I can't bare it any longer, old habits have weaved their ways back into my thoughts, into my routine. Ruining everything I've worked so long and hard for. The priest read the eulogy and he read something about Pauline meeting god at the gates and he would judge her, like Osiris. The Osiris being the inserted contribution my brain added after remembering a particular question from my art history exam. Anyway, more importantly that we couldn't plead the fifth because we had no excuses we are to be judged. And I remembered saying how much in my atheist angst I had an agnostic outrage. I yelled through to receiver about how much who ever up there was punishing me and my whole family by taking away everyone that's near and dear to us. Friends and most importantly family. I understand no one lives forever I've always accepted that but it this all could've happened over a longer stretch of time it would've been easier on us. On all of us. Does anyone understand how unbearable it's been for the majority of my family to go to the same graveyard 5 times in the past four months. It's all so surreal. AT LEAST I KNOW YOU TRIED.

Anniversary

What happened to the nights when I had a cigarette hanging off of my lips, my hair flying in my face not so gracefully, but we would speed over the hills and through those winding roads with our feet not touching the ground and our hands clasped tight, just talking, just getting familiar with each other's faces. Blinking back tears because my stomach muscles were cramping up, you have the greatest sense of humor. You look like the character Emmit. I need you, not like all those times before I really need you to tell me that I'm going to come out of this okay. Will you be there when I'm glazed in fluorescent light, when my wires and veins sync, will you? Ironically it is your job to do this for others on a daily basis.

Fall Meal

I'm dancing in your living room surrounded by those equivalent in maturity but decades older than me. We are throwing our hands in the air we are singing about falling in love, with glasses of red wine and champagne in our hands, occasionally sloshing and making its way onto the floor. We don't care if there is a hurricane outside, our cheeks are rosy, and we are surrounded by wonderfully educated people. The night wouldn't end and I was fine, your grandparents want me to visit with you. I sneak a smoke on the back porch with your sister and our mutual friend we discussed college, starfishes, the usual. I saw you hanging off the railing of the stairs swaying backwards, I grabbed your hand and we somehow made our way downstairs. You bashed me in the head accidentally and back flipped over the couch. Let's just sit for awhile dear. You knocked over your cup of water and it landed in my lap, I wasn't mad but you were very upset. You were stringing your sentences together much like I am doing with mine, you were talking in tongues, truthful tongues. You kept using your hands for emphasis at the wrong times. You told me you loved me and we both laughed because you were very drunk. You kept repeating over and over again that I was very beautiful, that I am so sweet, I should go upstairs and hang out with your sister, my best friend; that I'm smart and easy to talk to. And your sister, my best friend came downstairs and watched you try to bite my face, her and I laughed. You talked about how lonely you are, your inferiority complex, how you think about killing yourself often and it made me sad that you really don't have anyone to talk to. In the morning you looked completely different, your beard was gone, your face was pale and your voice was monotone and your words were direct, you were embarrassed but I wish you weren't. It's fine I said, because it really was just fine.

I can't stop loving you.
All the things you are.
Give me your honest opinion...

How do you know if I will

I don't.

The light and the sound

I used to kill for this, just a hint of it. My mind got all fucked up again on a rooftop, in an unfamiliar city that I have a love/hate relationship with. I couldn't force the liquid down my throat fast enough. My tricks failed me, but I don't have tricks anymore. I'm trying to be honest, and real but that's not what you wanted, not what you asked for at all. You wanted a girl who can twirl her hair like they do in movies, someone who can't stop talking about subjects you know damn well you don't care about, a girl who has lines that just won't quit. You want eyes that have no emotions behind them, you want a head that's as hollow as the bottles you've been downing all night, predictability. But I can't do anything like that, I can look into your eyes long enough to make you feel like I'm burning a hole in you, but really I'm just leaving my mark, I can recall endless amounts of information, I can move in my own way. I second guess myself, I'm the awkward girl that you want to be your very best friend. I the same age as your sister, you remind me of someone I used to love, I love you as my friend, my very best friend. There's always an excuse. I got this problem that never sleeps. Truth is if we'd met 5 years ago I'd probably be the object of your affection, go figure.

Selfish selflessness

I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit

I cant get used to my body's limits
I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues
They cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing
I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete
I need to get out of this city
Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky
Wondering where I go when I die
When I die.

I looked at you through the fumes, and I leaned in and asked, "How did you learn to deal with life after your father's passing?" I know you've been waiting for me to ask this, you smiled and said, "Well I took to the bottle, but that got me no where, no where at all. It made me more depressed when I couldn't even produce tears. You know it's been three years a few weeks ago?" "I leaned into you and I said I know." My mind traveled back to the day when we stood out in the parking lot surrounded by the whole girl's swim team. They didn't know you, or your dad the way I did, I was mad that they used his memorial as a day off from school. You nearly crushed my bones to dust that day, holding onto my hand with everything you had left. I buried my face in your hair and through the sounds of the planes saluting and flying over head. I told you and your dad that I was sorry it got too hard for me to come over your house towards the end, I'm still so sorry. you needed me and I disappeared. I couldn't handle all of my shit and I closed myself off from the truest, bluest friend I have ever known. Just hanging out with you again, I see so much of your dad in you, god he was the greatest dad in the world. I miss the nights when we'd stay in and dream of our future selves, when your dad would tell me stories, when he was so damn worried about my eating habits. You have his eyes, his presence, his wisdom. I feel like a fool for walking out on you, but you invited me to see you again soon. Sitting on that porch at a girl's house we barely know, surrounded by people we barely know, smoking and reliving our decade of friendship.

I'm lying on the cold cold tile, the door next to me has a terrible draft, I look down at my legs they are all pastel and translucent. My veins are so defined like the circles around my eyes, I swore I could see the blood flowing right through me. Bones I haven't seen in years are becoming more defined so I have to hold myself closer, gotta hold it all in. My shoulder blades are popping out of my skin like bird wings, if only I could fly. My summer skin is long gone, with my long mass of Auburn curls. My skin is tinted a million shades of blue and you. My hair is back to black, like a dark crown that sits on my head. I feel awkward in several more layers than everyone around me.
Your finger tapped me on the shoulder, with a sneer like that you might as well be a cartoon you look so god damn comical. You added a comment that's dripping wet with ignorance. I ran across the tile, leaping over everyone and dodging questions. My hands grab both sides of the sink I look at myself, where has all the color gone? I am so pale. I wipe off my makeup and head out and there you are telling everyone about what I did. I was humiliated, looking around at everyone's faces, I tried to read them, did I let them down too? I storm out avoiding looking at the black holes, I can't but yet again you jerk my shoulder backwards. It takes everything in me not to lose my composure and walk right out that drafty door. I dive in, I don't feel the temperature I just glide right through gritting my teeth so hard my jaws starts to crack. I got out to stretch my muscles thin, my head is down and no one seems to get the message. When were any of you ever here for me? Why is it now you are swarming? The slip of paper told me to check off what I need help with I took my pencil and made heavy check marks next to grieving, mental diseases including paranoia, anxiety and depression. After my big race you say

Hey all you have to do is listen.

I do. But everything you're saying has been forced, repeated to you, a lie, the right thing to do. No I will not accept you can't make me look weak in front of anyone. I took a chance, I took a fall so crucify me. I walk away but I feel more like running this isn't a joke, I'm done I said. And after's all been said, done and I proved you wrong, you take it upon yourself to publicly apologize. I feel 20 sets of eyes on me, and I shrink back into the wall, you haven't learned anything.

Our lips are sealed

My eyes roll back in my head they are glazed over and I am looking straight up at you. I have always had a fear of looking people directly in the eye. I avoid it, but last night I couldn't take my eyes off of you. With your arm pulling my sore ribs in closer, closer to you. We watched D. Darko and I commented about paranoia schizophrenia and my own paranoia. You know just how to shut up me up with a kiss on my lips that trails to the back of my ear down to my collarbone past my neck. I contort and twist. Underneath you I am warm, my head tipped back, you run your hands down the front of my chest. Your fingers sink into my spine and this is just the beginning, we are only kissing. You have the softest mouth and I can not detach myself from it. My hands in your hair, your mandibles sketch designs all over my back and skull. I'm sinking slowly and I do not care. I am yours, I have always been yours. My hair is wild, curls cascading down my back and I don't care. Your breathing in my ear I can barely control myself tonight. Not yet, not yet. Let me show you what I'm capable of, I can give you something to miss.

It seems so out of context

"I want to show you some tricks"
I'll show you a magic trick, your disappearing act.

Five OH FIVE oh. We backed up into a cop car and I yelled inaudible phrases as the two cars smashed together.Only us I said this could only happen to us. They encircled us shining their hand held flashlights into the windows. My body was no longer outlined with the neon lights, bright lights were everywhere, closing in on us. I like your face when it is lit up. I started panicking because what was I supposed to do? It was a race of layers and my better faces. My little voice that was so scratchy came out to just a whisper as I answered each question. I thought about the consequences I was unsure, so unsure of the outcome. I heard you tell him I was your girlfriend. And just an hour before I was telling you my ex lover's greatest secret, my ex lover is dead. On the drive home we laughed about it knowing we'd tell our friends of how hilarious it was. But I'm not laughing anymore because all anyone wants to tell me are things I don't want to hear. I know already I know. I'm scared to find out the truth, to see if you had been cheating my heart and cheating me your favorite game, chess.

I'm trying to keep from going under.

I wonder if we will stay this way
Will it ever be this perfect again?
Kitchenettes and house hold appliances
Only time will tell
I count the clocks there are only four

I am nothing but foolish
I have already invested far too much
I should just play it be ear or year
I can never be sure
But all I can think of were those hands and that face, how my face fit; just so in the palm of your hand
Every time I looked to my left there was the smile I had become so well acquainted with in these short couple of months
"We deserve it more."
things have never been so unclear and paused, put on such a huge stand still
You simply just don't, you just don't say things like that,
make me rack my brain and waste hour upon heaping hour of simply analyzing

Fuck what you heard

"Bones bones brittle little bones
its not the milk you seek
its the sun you need
and the sleek sleek skeleton i hold
where are the hidden folds
where is the meat?
did you eat it?"

already half gone, already half here

I do not know why we planned so far ahead, we never took the time to live in the
moment.
That used to be all I was capable of, living one little moment at a time.

Because it takes something more than just sweet lies

I will walk up your cracked driveway, remembering the day that the bushes in your front yard were cut down and how the sound of the chainsaw became our soundtrack for the day we spent in bed. All that is left are holes yet to be filled in, familiar. I will feel the weight with each step up to your door. I'll walk through the doorway and pause for several moments to familiarize my eyes with your old and new features. There will be no embrace, we'll climb more stairs each one taking more and more out of me. I'll feel like I ran a marathon, without the exhilaration. Your room will look exactly the way I cleaned it months before, I still remember where everything is placed, and all the secrets we threw away. You will play me the head of the song that you wrote for me on the piano. Just like Alice in Wonderland I will fall into Technicolor oblivion. We will talk, you will crack jokes that are supposed to mean more.

Armsandhands

We all do it, it's what our senses were meant for; association. The smell of dust, tobacco and sweat directly correlates to who I used to be. The sound of grand orchestras, tiny symphonies, and bass guitars were meant for Fridays. Cool, slick and smooth reminds me of your face before you stopped shaving. When I see the sky resembling a watercolor painting I think of hot summer and what it was supposed to be. When I taste mercury I think how sick I was when you met me.
Abandonment: to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert.
-to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control.
To me abandonment was being left to a pack of wolves. Torn in every direction by sharp teeth I couldn't fight off. You left me slowly. For whatever self mutilating reason, I know the exact moment you checked out I can pinpoint it back to mid-May. What changed; you fell into a deeper trance to your drug. If it wasn't going to be inflicted into your body, your body had to create it. You and I know the meaning of truly living in one's head. That's where we spent all our time before we met. The year before I remember fighting for a reason to hold on at all, the year before you were too busy lying to yourself that that was all it could be. I hear your voice skip over the words I took for granted, no they are accidental, a mistake. Reality creeping at my feet, but I don't dare dive in completely. A scab I love to let bleed wide open continuously, what pain, why is unhappiness a feeling I've gotten used to? How does that happen?
Hurt: to affect adversely; harm.
-to cause mental pain to; offend or grieve
Pain and hurt used to mean scraping my skin on the sidewalk, breaking a different bone every year it's how I inherited my childhood nickname. Then pain morphed into emotions and feelings; the loss of a hero I was supposed to grow up to be. I wasn't supposed to have all of this afflict me at one time. A constant reminder of his legacy is left in my features. I feel sad for my family members who look at me and see his daughter, see little flecks of him in my eyes. He's in these hands I produce my greatest gift with. I could only hope a little piece of her will be ingrained in me. But how you deal with loss that is a constant reminder? Staking out its home in my chest which has never been so hollow.
Truth: a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like.
-ideal or fundamental reality apart from and transcending perceived experience.
I think truth to me is made up of little secrets and white lies. In just three long hours I expelled it all, feeling instead of hollow, heavy. Finally being able to grasp the weight of what cards I was dealt. That day I stared out into the sun I did not feel its rays or its wonderful heat, I was given my answer and as much as I denied it the inevitable would follow. My best friend's voice does not effect me in any way. There is not a hint of a smirk, there is nothing. I find myself sobbing, not even crying. My tear ducts being over used for all these years that I buried my feelings, my ideas and myself. There was so much comfort in knowing that I would be held together for the rest of my life by something greater than me. Instead I have to start all over again. It begins with shock, denial, acceptance, and possibly giving it another chance, reaching out my hand.

Love is everywhere

She's right, it's not fair that everyone just keeps on living while we mourn. It's just not, I hate the grins on people just passing by, they feel so smug even though I know they are not. Don't smile at all of us driving behind the hearse crying for what seems like the billionth set of tears. My Great Aunt Gene passed away it was strange to see her again at her wake. What gave me a sense of peace were seeing all the pictures, hearing all the stories, she lived a life full of love. When I went up to have my moment, I felt her, I knew she would want me to be there for my mom as my mom was for her, and that she loved each and every one of us there. The thunder felt symbolic as if she was trying to tell us all she would not approve of us crying or the way she was dressed. She was so vain and so beautiful. Her lip color was wrong, her face puffy from the medication she had been on, and her hair color was nowhere near as dark as it should have been. Yes, she was 80, but she wasn't old by any means. My mom would visit her after her shifts at the hospital and she would be in her room doing scissor kicks. At her wake we found out her brother, my great grandfather had passed away as well, before my grandfather could see him. He had flown out early yesterday morning, but something hadn't felt right. There I stood in a mass sea of black, drowning. I choked after being everyone's rock all night, I cried so hard. I didn't sleep last night, I just kept crying. I called Evan, after searching for someone to talk, I knew it wouldn't be best, but I did. He told me I was selfish for wanting more time. I only cried harder and cursed him for not having just one human bone in his body. Today I cried at the church while her son was giving the most amazing speech I had ever heard, I felt like acid was pouring out my eyes. Everything hurt. I looked over at my mom, I looked back at the pews behind me, everyone's expression; identical. Nest weekend I will have to go through the motions all over again.

And don't call me pretty baby anymore

My recluse has diminished, thus I am left with no where to hide
These hands I shake are not mine, my skin is bare, stripped down
Your voice is static and harsh - we lack warmth, and desire
love slowly faded, I never knew
a pang in my chest, tetanus, a rusty nail staked out
so we sit here watching everything unfold lacking all the melodramatics
take it back I said, take it all back. I took you out with the trash
verbatim I can recall
here it is the climax of it all, I'm still stuck in the spiderweb,
the more I falter the harder you bite down.
Where are we now, who were you before you were mine?

When something is right

Me and my lover; we sit adjacent on the antediluvian couch

I can only imagine being equiponderant, to everything in his mind

Lungs begin to hurt, my sides; dolorific

I delineate the indentation of his spine with my thumb over and over

My favorite place is in the crook of your neck

These hands fold into yours, my body folds into your body

Here we lay, here we stay

Mapped out in your bed, little countries, and oceans we sail to and fro.

Comme il faut

Comme il faut

In my the interstice

Lilliputian rooms you are made of millions, hundreds of rooms

Melodic tangent zephyrs encasing

I’m still cross legged, wide eyed and frivolous

It’s the hours where I am able to postpone clocks; it’s the fence I’m draped over

Little lashes, big lies, big love

Azures, Slates and the colours of the dimming day dance upon your face

I take repose on your bureau knowing I’ve filled all its drawers

I got the hours, I got the owls, but I let my paranoia show

Comme il faut; dear.

One love, one life,

I can't believe he's gone, I can't believe I've known him since I was five, I can't believe I waited for the call all day to tell me this was just a sick joke, but most of all I can't believe I'm still waiting for the call. The most beautiful pools of blue, those black curls, the first boy I ever liked, the first boy that ever made me want to vomit from nervousness, the same boy that had this wonderful positive outlook, I'll never forget when he told me he noticed me, I will miss seeing you around.

rest in peace dear

love is a place

You punched a hole in the sun, I’m flat on my back

your heart is black from all the coal, you’re a smokestack

let me hold your features in my infinitesimal hands,

you’re all angles and bones in my arms, a slack face with a protruding jaw line

I spend hours tracing this outline, these sunken in cheeks are mine

I love the way you paint my canvas skin

A shadowed silhouette passing by in front of my eyes, Swimming Eyes

locked up for years in a measure of mind

some times i check that i'm still breathing, most of the time i hope i'm only dreaming

you are the ghost that I can not scare

Who were you after you were mine?

I couldn't even focus on my own two feet in front of me, I'm losing my mind, like walking is something foreign, some radical concept I forgot
I'm not sleeping I'm up all night thinking, better yet comparing, I'm comparing you
I think back to last year and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing
Nothing seems right, "why'd you put that makeup on?"
I remember art galleries and hurricanes, small closets enclosed spaces, you'd kiss my many faces love and mathematics it was always our morning routine coffee and the cover of Naive Melody sitting in the parking lot holding hands getting ready to face the day, nothing else mattered. I never felt so appreciated, so special things were always right, never faltering. Power lines and laying in the fields, so cliche and yet so original with everything we did. I'm grateful, I'm sad, I want to feel that way again. I want to not bite my lip and hold back tears I haven't let out all year.
"I loved you, did you know that? I fucking loved you."
"I know I love you still"
I find myself remembering that night, wishing they'd played our song
This means nothing to you it's just what it is, nothing. I don't want that though, I want the light of the moon, I want Lover's Spit I want you to finally let me win.

with our clothes on fire, I guess we both can wait

Situations
time is matter, atoms and cells
Zappa and Cursive wrapping their notes around our bodies
Exes and Ohs
The sky was crying, I was burying my face and you were just sleeping, sleeping. How can you sleep?
waiting for me to fall into place, but it wasn't me that did it was everything that was around me carrying on routine
my paranoia was showing;

and the life lines
live below the waist
it's a capturer
please dont scratch me out

Hours waste turn into weeks then months into me, a lifelong disease

and maybe i've got needs that you can't cure, but i'm waiting by the phone until i'm sure
there's an anvil on my chest, it might be the pollen, but it might just be everything else

A Guarded head shapes the face and heart
So loss ain’t bad
I’m trading processing for sleep
So it don’t seem sad that I’m losing you
Blotch the face, blood vessels
Broken heart and canvas skin
Write it all out you won’t ever quite describe it
Loaned to father for weekends and given back without the interest
Trivialize memories, dumb it down to make it fit
Syllables, grammatical, read and rewrite for the reader
All the bitter nights in my room alone
They won’t know all my secret problems
Or the love that overcame us both
An untold twenty-two year story
So it’s one tale and then another, I was saying earlier

I remember those years they're hard not to and all the things you wrote then, I know them word by word

Impossible, your love is something I can't remember. I literally just choked on my breath. My mind is discombobulated, that's the only word that comes to mind at all. I 'm paranoid I'm living in my head. I'm supposed to be analyzing everyone like this, not myself.

And I do remember sleeping in your house, on the floor,
With the dust in my eye.

I'm moving backwards, all the little hands are rewinding, practically warping moving so fast. I'm probably making a huge mistake, but I'm really sitting here trying to debate the pros and cons. I want to, I want to see that factory you told me about. I lied, I am lying through my teeth, I know you see it.


I will not sleep tonight, at all.

I miss Gingers.

Remember how her eyes would shine, They made you come home on time

It's weird I'm not exactly certain what the similarity is between you and that actor, vaguely looks,voice certainly, mannerisms hardly. But every time I watch him I just want to kiss your face.
I miss our rides to the Notch we'd run around the vacant lots, sand in my toes your hands in my hair, climbing up to the lifeguard chairs just to watch the waves crash, just to watch the sun rise. Sometimes we'd entangle on an old blanket watching for shooting stars, completely happy being cliche, I would have to shake out the sand for weeks. Our first party, the first time you introduced me as your girlfriend, I choked on my drink. I remember the night over a year ago when we rekindled our friendship your eyes lit up and we danced to the most assorted mix. And then I fought, for weeks I did so that this would work so that I... Anyway I don't even know how I got here.
"You disappeared off the face of the Earth Britt, I miss you. It's been months now."

I desperately need to develop film.

Only love is all maroon gluey feathers on a flume sky is womb and she is the moon.

I miss everything about the first time I was there. I'm more than glad Summer is approaching. Spring is here and I just want to ride my bike with someone. Lately I've felt more alone than ever being blind sighted by inner battles. Burying everything Alive like my favorite book of poems. I'm going to start throwing myself into art even more so than before.