the fixer

"So leave out the others baby
And say I'm the only one
Cut out the uniforms and settle with the sun
Hey I want you to know
Cos I wanna know
And it's a strange condition
And life in prison
It's got me outta my head
And I don't know what I came for..."

Last night I heard you whispering it in your sleep, I think you feel it too.
How is it possible that I can miss you already?

Summer's Past

It's really weird hearing from you again just because well how things took that unfortunate turn. I didn't know who's side to be on, but I really was on yours. However, blood is thicker than water and I didn't have much of a choice to stop being your friend. I know that you didn't mean to do what you did on purpose, things just got out of hand so fast. I thought it was hysterical most of the night until the end. I sincerely hope you are doing well, I have no hard feelings towards you what so ever and I don't think I ever did. You really are an intelligent, nice and hilarious person with even more hilarious friends. I just thought that things would turn out different. I thought that when you came home it would smell like summer again. I thought that when you came home we could si in your back yard and talk about the stars just one more time.

Public enemies

battlewounds.

Hands in the dark, hands over my face. I want to curl up next you and just forget this. I want to forget the last two years and all that I wasted my time on. I didn't want to smell like him, so I scrubbed my skin raw. I hugged my knees and I bit down hard on my lower lip. I just wish that I could disappear sometimes. Or maybe I could just take that flight across the country, maybe that's how far I need to distance myself. 3,000 miles would surely be enough. I want to wake up in the morning pretending it never happened, but that's not realistic at all. I just wish you were here.

you're in so much trouble you can't hide in the covers

I wake up every morning and instead of burying myself in all the covers, I wake up happy, I wake up feeling lucky. I have someone to love and someone who loves me, my best friend. I have two people who accept me unconditionally for all that I am, for everything I bring to the table. These two people mean the world to me, and I haven't known either of them for years and years. However, instead of expecting or hoping rather, that they would be there for me I don't have to ask they just are. And I think that means everything, means everything to me at least. I can go to sleep without worrying constantly without my heart feeling heavy.




This is quite possibly my favorite winter song, no matter what happens I always come back to this song.

"I suppose I should hope that it turns out fine
But I hope that some sadness does cross your mind
And you'll look for me when you have crossed that line
Come one day

But, I can't wait for you
I can't wait for you"

I woke up this morning to my phone buzzing in my ear. I had several messages, one of which was from you. So naturally I asked how you were doing, what was going on in your life. I really shouldn't be bothered that you are building a home and a family with someone else, but it tears apart at a little piece of me I thought I let go. We should have never dragged this out for all these years. It's weird thinking about all the winters we spent together, winter was our season. Winters and summers. We used to own the night, you still remember don't you?

White Whales.

"Just remember this, you were... and still are my white whale...
Think of Moby Dick, Moby Dick was a white whale in a literal sense,
but he was never able to catch it, always just slightly out of reach.

Everything he wanted, but is always and will always be out of his reach."

If you find me, hide me I don't know where I've been

When the daylight's like fluorescent lights,
I'm going to take my time night by night
when the daylight's like fluorescent lights,
I hang my hands over your eyes to hide
Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton - "Telethon"

I wake up lonely.

I haven't been able to sleep for days and I realized it's because you're not here. So when I walked into your room yesterday afternoon it was too easy to just crawl right beside you in bed. I really missed you this week and it was weird missing someone that much because well, I don't normally do this. I don't let myself get to this point.



Everywhere and every way I see you with me.

some boys i know

they speak with broken mouths
i have to sit inside their stomachs
to find out what they're really about

but not like the days
when the sky is blue
and all that i had
was a little of me and a little of you

some girls i know
they speak with broken mouths
i have to sit within their stomach
to find out what they're really about

cause now days
all people want to confuse
to help them not to talk
to help them not to feel

but they can't be their eyes
several times I've seen them try
they know, they cant be their eyes

How do you do it, make me feel like I do

We don't have to get up, we can close our eyes and just stay here
We can pretend that the sun hasn't come up yet, let's just stay here
I trace your neck and back with my hands and it takes everything I have not to get out of bed and leave

Folkloric Feelings

And it took me so long to realize that I was better off, what an eregious mistake.

It's such a serene feeling to have, to be emersed in everything that I am, with you.

I feel like I could really learn how to feel with you, because the truth is I hate missing you.

I hate feeling so much for you all at once, you make everything real.

And to be quite honest, that's really fucking frightening.

You spend so much time telling yourself not to feel a certain way that you forget what it was like to feel in the first place.

You forget how to cry, or even when it's appropriate to cry.

Your laugh becomes forced, your smile practiced too many times that it almost looks painful with too much gum showing.

You start believing that that is all you deserve, you have the kind of love you think you deserve.

And the day you talk to someone who changes all of that, you really start living.

You open yours eyes in the morning without regretting it instantly and you pause to 'appreciate' the little things.

You could spend hours sleeping on a concave chest because well it's copacetic.

But, it's better than that.

I wrote one of my college essays about swimming and as much as it hurts sometimes I love swimming with all my heart. I've been swimming competitively since I was 6 and it's really weird thinking about how I won't be back next season. I loved being captain, it was an amazing experience. I love all of my girls and I feel like I really impacted a few and hopefully all of them in some way. I yelled at them, I cried with them, I laughed with them and now after four years it's over. When I got to see my old coach it just kind of dawned on me, standing there, hugging her, and crying until my eyes were red. I can't really describe what it felt like in that moment, happiness complete sadness and anxiousness all at once. I can't wait for States.

Put your hands on me, my love

"What did you say?"
"I said I just hate goodbyes and I hate saying goodbye to you."

I miss you at odd hours, but mostly when I am sleeping because you're not there.

Ideal.

I like driving with you in the pouring rain, my head on your shoulder and rushing home just to fall asleep next to you. I like when you wake me up at four in the morning just to tell me something you thought I'd laugh at, and to freckle my face with kisses. I like falling back into your couch to drink warm apple cider
and watching movies with you.

I like that you always reach for my hand first.

Yes I am guilty of this you should know this

I honestly think I am looking for every excuse no matter how minuscule to just let myself not feel something again. Which in turn scares me twice as much as the original situation because I don't want to be so nervous and looking back on the past that I miss all the good right in front of me. I never want to be that person that is so stuck in everything that's already happened, that they forget to live.

I guess I'm just going to have to trust you.

I'm just so happy right now, there are no mind games, there is no wondering, there is no waiting around. I like just laying next to you in bed, with the curtains drawn low. I feel like I can finally just let go and not have to analyze so much because for once there is nothing to analyze. We are we are when we are together and that is more than enough.

exhaustion

"Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts "
Electric President, Good Morning, Hypocrite.

moth's wings

Yesterday was a good day, woke up, picked him up and drove all over Connecticut. It was so beautiful out so I rescheduled my college tours and went apple picking instead. Went to lunch with him and it was awkward, so we went somewhere else and it was just nice to talk. I don't know it's just feels good to be able to relate so much to and see myself so easily in someone else' shoes. Went looking for books and literally ran right into someone. I grabbed his hand and made my way out, there was just too much irony to deal with in one day. I honestly, wouldn't have believed it if it didn't happen to me, but it what it is. I love fall, I like taking pictures of you and bringing you to have traditional Italian desserts and espresso. I like being lame, and laughing and smiling and just generally feeling like I'm floating two inches off the ground.

ptsd

I cried for the first time in a couple of months and it was strange. I was driving and all of a sudden a car came centimeters away from slamming into me. I freaked out, pulled over, parked and cried. I felt so awkward just crying in my car on the side of the road, but even the fact that I came that close to getting into an accident honestly, just sent me right over the edge. I miss his face, his lanky arms and his green eyes. I really would've liked to do something a little more productive. I studied, and then went to my dad's parents' house. I showed them several prints and pictures of the swim team, I love hear old stories about how they met. I really just want to wake up finish my photo assignment, develop my film, and visit colleges and walk around campuses. I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed as of late, I have no time to do anything and I want to drop a class. I know I can't and I should really just get the easy A, but that's so boring to me. I miss my friends, I miss New York and I don't know what's stopping me from just getting on a train and showing up at her doorstep.

Try to sleep

I wish you were here, falling asleep next to me.
I just want to put my head on your chest with arms outstretched.

I'm drifting way too far, my arms, my legs are too tired

I can't sleep anymore, my head is in a million places. I can't keep up with my own thoughts and I am trying to do everything right. But, I'm forgetful and I have selective listening. I really am trying I promise and this weekend I am excited to drive with my best friend across state lines and stay in someone else's house, to go on someone else's schedule and just close my eyes and forget. I have this idea that if I go there it will be just like summer, and maybe that's just me being too hopeful. When I roll over at four am to see that I have missed calls from you I always feel guilty, because I know you are there two hours away feeling exactly what I'm feeling, just wishing there was more than a dial tone on the other line.

Hold my wine, hold it in.

I went to a party last night, I seem to find myself at a party every weekend now, normalcy. I went by myself and managed to have a great time despite not knowing anyone. I am glad that I can have faith in myself in such situations and not let my social awkwardness get the best of me. I knew 3 people there, and I barely knew them, but I talked up a storm. My sister showed up over 2 hours later and we laughed at what was going on around us, sober susans. Sometimes, I can look into her eyes and I feel like she's growing up and we have these amazing conversations. Sometimes I am happy to be her sister and I feel proud knowing she can't live without me. I put my headphones on when the party started to wind down, it felt like a movie with a perfect soundtrack playing. Everyone moved so slowly in front of me, cleaning, cooking and drinking. Eventually I found myself in someone's room eating nutella and pretzels with my sister and two of our friends. I fell asleep in his room, singing the song "Sleep" to him. I was awake til 5 in the morning just talking and cuddling with someone. It is enough to fall asleep next to someone, to have your head rest on someone's chest with their hand rubbing your back until you fall asleep into dead silent slumber.


"Fill these spaces up with days
In my room you can go you can stay
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see, just to be sure
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep"

While the hands are pointing up midnight
You're a question mark
Coming after people you watched collide
You can ask what you want to the satellite
Because the names you drop put ice in my veins
And for all you know
You're the only one who finds it strange
When they call it a lover's moon
The satellite
Because it acts just like lovers do
The satellite
A burned out world you know
Staying up all night
The satellite

Satellite (Elliot Smith cover) - The Helio Sequence

Oh, lately.

"Lately, I don't get lost in daydreams I never lay awake at night staring in my bed and I don't think about your face or anything you've said and I don't think twice when someone says your name or twist my mind in circles wondering which of us to blame."

I hate waking up the way I did, with the morning light burning my eyes and filling the whole room causing me to wake up way too early. I hate going to bed at 6 in the morning because my thoughts won't stop, and all I can think about is just sleeping next to someone and having that be enough. I'm living alone, I'm living alone, I don't need you anymore, I don't need you anymore. And I've learned not to breakdown when someone says your name, but I still miss you like none other. I was sitting up last night just thinking about how different it was between us, and how much I hate normal social interactions. I thought about the night where you held me for hours with my head buried in your chest and the wind whipping at our faces. You weren't the type of person to ever pull at my hands.

A hundred times a day the yellow light turns red

Sometimes I find myself sitting in someone's passenger seat, and my mind is somewhere else entirely. I could be singing along to a favorite song, or laughing about something the other person said, but I am completely disconnected. My mother told me that I was lucky he left when he did, but I just can't rationalize that. I miss sporadic road trips to New Haven, Northampton and somehow finding myself slumped on the subway in New York. I miss cold nights in Spanish Harlem, I miss sipping alcohol on rooftops, I miss parties with the most awkward people you will ever meet, I miss incredibly intelligent conversations over cups of bitter coffee, I miss my friends dying my hair in my tub, I miss cutting all their hair, I miss going to the beach in the middle of March, I miss just hearing you say such simple words that had the power to knock the wind right out of me, I miss watching episodes of Scrubs in your bed until 4 in the morning, I miss drawing shitty little charcoal portraits, I miss dancing to music in his kitchen, I miss crawling up next to you and falling asleep with my head on your chest, I miss waking up in your room with you still sleeping soundly, the feeling of being safe, I miss smoking on the hammock in your backyard, I miss our novels we used to type each other to keep in touch, I miss your cousin's mansion, I miss you carrying me through out the park on a perfect spring day, I miss our slang and hand gestures. I miss that anxious fit that used to fill the pits of my stomach and spread like wildfire throughout my body when ever the promise of being near you or talking to you was even a possibility.

minolta, minolta

I saw your best friend today, out of every place, there he was standing at the counter behind the photography section.
Just.
My.
Luck.
My first thought is to ignore him completely and pretend I am not me, but instead I wave and smile the goofiest smile. He eventually wandered over to me and we talked about cameras and film. And how I didn't understand the conversions at first. He was very cordial and didn't laugh at the fact that I looked like shit and was hunting for batteries for my ancient camera that is years older than myself. It was then that I realized why you were so jealous all those months ago. I set up the old Minolta completely, the flash, cleaned my lens, and loaded the film. I am going to wake up at sunrise to take some crisp shots. Then I'm off to my 3 hour photography class to set up shop in the darkroom which I plan to essentially live in the next couple of months. Especially, because once I learn the trick to developing my holga film, I literalyl will never leave. I am just really happy and excited. I can talk about you nonchalantly, I miss you, yes but I really just hope that you're happy. I am glad we're friends.

Never meant

I'm writing to be honest and because I am anxious and excited. This year is all about risking it and stepping out of my boundaries and it's pretty safe to say that I am doing just that. I can't wait for the road trip on a whim I'm going on with Julie, who knows maybe we'll end up in Mass., maybe in Rhode Island or maybe well just get lost and laugh a lot. I am really trying to have a good year and not let anything or anyone get in the way of that. I plan on taking thousands of pictures, a few dozen rolls of film and just living and breathing happiness. I love American Football and I can't stop listening to Never Meant. I love fall, god I love waking up to these cold mornings, I love swim practice and I love running at night. Despite the utter bullshit that has been going, it really isn't bringing me down, it doesn't even make a difference. I just don't give a fuck about any of it, because no good deed goes unpunished.


"I just think its best
Because you cant miss what you forget

So let's just pretend
Everything and
Anything, between you and me
Was never meant

Was Never Meant"

Dinosaurs died quite awhile ago

I just like you. That's it, it doesn't need to be anymore complicated than that. I want to see you on Friday and go to that concert with you on Monday. I don't mind helping you write papers, or taking pictures of you in a studio, or trying to find decent coffee after all the shops have closed. I like driving with you, I like talking with you and I like making mixes for you. I think it's funny when we go to terrible 24-hour diners and I like when we just drive for hours in your car or when you tell me all your secrets on abandoned overpasses. And I don't care that you have commitment issues or that you're a little weird like me. I don't want to be in a relationship with you, because quite frankly I don't care. Just being with you is enough, that's all I want is just to spend a little time with your familiar face.

If I kiss you where it hurts would you feel better, better, better at all

Tonight was officially the last night of summer, it's sort of strange to be honest. I don't see myself actually going to classes tomorrow morning. But, unfortunately I will be in a statistics class at 9:30 am wondering why I decided taking this class was a good idea. I am seeing someone I haven't seen in a month on Tuesday for reasons I can't even tell you. It should be interesting and uncomfortable, but I'm still optimistic about it. I finger the bracelets on my right wrist, my only visible attachment left from summer other than my tan. I don't want it to end, but really I should sleep and not think about you anymore than I already am.

Green Green Grass

And it wouldn't be a morning if I was a zombie until I had a cup of coffee.
And it wouldn't be a good afternoon without talking to or hanging out with Julie.
And it wouldn't be a Sunday if I didn't listen to American Analog Set with my windows wide open, a little breeze floating in.
And it wouldn't have been a summer night if I wasn't staying up still the sunrise when I knew full well that I had work or other obligations in a few hours.
And it wouldn't have been summer if I didn't kiss you, an astrology major going back to university to finish your thesis a few days short of fall.
And it wouldn't have been summer if everything fell apart and I learned just how strong I am.
And it wouldn't have been a great summer without a frivolous best friend, it wouldn't have been half as perfect without her.
A summer night would have been next to nonexistent if we weren't driving around for hours, our backseat passengers constantly changing.
Without arizona, or obnoxious synth bands, without ice cream, and bad dates, without loving and losing, without falling and getting crushed, without a perfect tan, without good looking coworkers, without the water, without sunday nights, without best friends, without a camera and film, without California, without beaches and lakes, without you cooking me dinner, without mix cds, without long drives, without laying on a blanket in my gay best friend's backyard, it wouldn't have been anything at all.

It's weird that these really are the very last days of summer and they just keep getting better and crazier. I spent the whole day floating down a river, running into rapids and laughing with friends. I've got some battle scars and I got a more than decent tan. We danced, we sang, she cried and I fell in love with summer all over again. It is bitter sweet because I've made a lot of new friends this summer and I want to just keep spending all my time outside and surrounded by them all. Tomorrow all of us are going to Misquamicut beach for our last get together before we all go our separate ways. Honestly, despite everything I am happier than ever.



let this be our little secret
no one needs to know were feeling
higher and higher and higher
but i feel alive and i feel it in me
up and up i keep on climbing
higher and higher and higher

First train home

I've only known you for a week and I don't know we haven't enough time, and you're already leaving leaving for Providence. You keep making me swear, and promise that I will come visit you. You act completely different around me when you don't have a front up, and I like it. You're so sweet and you can make me laugh until my stomach muscles are killing me. Today is your last day here and we are spending the day together. I'll help you pack and we'll probably double over laughing about something you said.


First train home got to get on it.

This seems all too familiar, but at the same time it really is someone else, a different time and a better place.
We sat in your hide away watching each others' faces and the lights of the candles flickering.
Smoking, and talking.
I watched you watching me, laughing around each bend and turn, faster and faster.
And you've got lips I could spend a day with.

A place in displacement

So I guess it is true when you stop trying, things do happen on their own.

I am glad that summer is winding down, I want beautiful fall weather.
I want to curl up on my back porch and hug my cardigan covered arms while sipping on a steaming cup of tea.
I want to wear my brown boots and hear the leaves crunching underneath my feet.
I want the wind chill, the smell of the crisp air in the morning and for all humidity to cease to exist.
I want my thoughts to stop wandering, I want to be buried in books and drinking endless cups of coffee from the cafeteria in the tower.
I want my headphones blasting, I want to be sitting in the oddly comfortable chairs in the library and thinking of something clever to say when he walks by.

With or without you

There is no easy way to say what I am going to say. It is next to impossible to find someone that you can change and evolve with at the same if not a very similar pace. You are incredibly lucky if you can find someone who can deal with what you bring to the table. I feel like there is so much weight off my shoulders, I can finally do half the things I have been talking about. It is an amazing feeling to be free of any worries, without my wings tied behind my back. I know last night I sounded affected, but the more I got to thinking about it all and the more I talked about it with my best friend I realized this is not as bad as it seems, it's actually a very positive thing. So I hung up the phone with you, called my best friend back and we laughed, we reminisced, and made a list of pro's and con's. I told her about my theory that I knew exactly where my life was going if I stayed with you, but without you there are so many possibilities.

I think I am going to be just fine without you.

It's all about us

It takes all I've got to listen and not fall apart. It's sort of like having liquid courage and being able to say your thoughts exactly as they come to you. You don't change a word and somehow it all turns out okay, you don't fall and you make it home... somehow. And you don't question your morals or look the other way, you drape your friend over your back despite how much it hurts and you ignore the fact that it's a possibility she might puke down the back of your neck. You don't join in with everyone and laugh at the pathetic girl who has been throwing up for hours, you hold her hair back and rub her back. You ask her if she wants some water and she starts swearing at you. You dance with your friend knowing that despite his long distance girlfriend he is jealous of any guy that talks to you. And when you turn to face him he tells you, "You know better."

Quiet and rulely

No matter if the color is shades darker or if it's a slightly different model I still look inside, usually it's empty, but I still look hoping that one day we'll run into each other again. I don't know what it was about you that somehow got under my skin and literally pried it's way into my life, but it worked. And maybe this was all apart of your plan. After hearing those rumors I should have ran for the hills, instead it only made me want to help you and to be around you. I wanted to know if it was true.


our faces split the coast in half.
you somehow managed to split me in two.

I am happy to hear your voice.
Happier still, when I see your face.
I don't need any riddles, metaphors or syntax.
This is essentially who we are, just blood, bones and social routines.

"the thin skin
thick skulls
and awkward knees
each one unique by
fractions of an inch" - Owen

She sang a short tune, " da dadadda dahh"

I like my life and where things are right now. I do not care about the fact that I let my self get really close to someone that may or may not have ASPD, but I'm okay with that. So okay to the point where I laughed and said, "it figures." I attract the weird, broken, mentally disturbed kinds. I don't know what it is about me that they find so comforting. I'm a good listener, I try to give really beneficial advice, but I feel like everyone tries to do that. What is so special about me that these people feel like they can trust me with everything they have? This is the main reason why I wanted to be a psychologist, yes the field is insanely interesting but it's the instant connection I can make with almost everyone I meet that I think is not something anyone can do. My friends bring me along to meet their other friends for the first time, to meet their boyfriends or girlfriends, to talk to their families because I appeal to all of them in some little way. I am relatable and for the most part aproachable. I guess these are good traits to have, but it can be a little scary letting someone who is so in their mind and completely out of touch with reality get close to me, to trust me.
I think I finally have a best friend for the first time in a very long time. I am finally able to open up about things that well I just don't discuss with anyone else. I laugh hard, we live fully and I have no regrets. I feel whole. I really want us to start a band, to have shows at kitschy venues even if we just end up laughing at ourselves for forty minutes.

Lisa Lobsinger is a goddess

An Anniversary Away by Reverie Sound Revue from Reverie Sound Revue on Vimeo.

Well I coulda mapped a million ways home

I had the best day of my summer so far.
I love open water, I love being outside, and I really love being on a boat.
I love the waves, I love the smell, I love what it does to my hair, soft waves.
I love the sun on my back, I love listening to good music, and I really just like spending time not worrying about time.
Exact to me.


Exact to you.

Cus maybe you want him, like you want me, only truly.

I am free. There is no one tying me down. I am not obligated to anyone. I am no one's best friend. I am free to drift from place to place. Change my persona. And it just feels too good. I lived and I learned. I am prepared to drink a season of doubt. I am going to shake off these past couple of months.

I used to find myself with you on rooftops, in the passenger seat of your car, looking over a cityscape, your confident, your only friend. I stayed up late helping you and researching your papers, studying with you over cups of coffee that seemed to disappear within a few very short minutes. At one point I supplied you with pills, you still have my little hand painted box, I want it back. I laughed with you, I cried with you, I grew with you. I spent months wondering what I did, I analyzed our very first get together dissecting the subjects of our conversation and the subtexts of your jokes. There was nothing I did wrong, it was you the whole time. We spent a lot of time together at night, in diners sipping on shitty coffee. I still think of that photograph of you in black and white, with your head turned away from me.

"It hurts when you rule me, and everyone can see through me." - American Analog Set

and the days end, and the days end, those days end

I would never jump to any radical assumptions and say that I am psychic, because well I'm not. But I do have an odd knack for being able to foresee events and put two and two together a little faster than most. Last night was the first time I'd see you in a month, short of two days. It was a regular night, I was anxious for our conversation. I told you about Friday, your birthday and how we would have a whole day together. I was going to give you the best birthday, because you deserved it, and more importantly because I thought it mattered to you. Your voice was everywhere, and I listened to you. We laughed a lot, and talked about we would study for our classes together in the fall. Fall is our favorite season, just another thing among the mile-long lost of various interests we have in common. We kept talking I mumbled something about leaving, but we ended up stayed for another two hours talking, listening to music. Sipping our coffee and complaining about our shitty jobs. You got up with the check and I put myself back together. I was genuinely happy, because I always have such a good time with you. We started driving and instead of immediately getting onto my exit, we kept driving, what I thought it was, it isn't now. I told you a very long story, to go a long with equally long drive back home, and you listened the whole time as I explained every detail. We said our goodbyes, which lingered a little too long and you whispered that you had something to tell me. I didn't expect it, I suddenly felt overly nauseous and dizzy. I didn't want to feel anything, you were talking to me and I kept repeating myself.

"... for right now."

"Okay, okay I'm okay, okay, I'm fine, okay. "

"What about Friday?"

So how do I do normal? Where do we go from here?

Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints,

I don't wanna feel anything, but I do

and it all comes back to you.

i can't stand when everyone can see right through me

"Let's engage in an Ongoing conversation
Hopping from topic to topic
From the tropic of cancer to recess and bitches
Why I'm always bringing work home with me
More baby kittens And sucker punches"

It's not me it's you, so you stay and I'll go. The past few weeks have flown by and I wonder where it all goes? Who were you before you were mine? I feel inclined to be affectionate, and to take care of you. I don't want to fix you, which is surprising but I really just don't. I love all that is wrong with you and how you are not afraid to tell me about that night your freshman year and how you did drugs for the first time and never will do them again, or how you actually love your parents. I think you are sweet and genuine, a semi-precious stone.

Not to be confused, this one's for you

So tonight was what I've been talking about with Julie over coffee, a night where we just do something, whatever it is. Where we just say okay, with no regrets, and jump off the deep end. I love meeting new people, interesting people with lots to talk about, people who use slang in the same ways I do, people who are not afraid of living. We turned the car on, we let people in and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it kind of was.
I take back everything I said, Julie, this summer is going to be everything we want it to be.
Live it up.

Immaculate Heart

I have no recollection of how I got here, how I could keep on living oblivious and with something not so minor...missing? I know what I have to do, and do it. But I won't know what it is until it's done. There really is no good time to leave or any better explanation that is acceptable, because I do not deserve one. He doesn't owe me anything, which I guess I should have sort of seen this coming but naturally I didn't. I'm too busy with summer on my mind. I got my summer skin, my summer clothes, a summer job, I got a few good friends, I shouldn't want more, but I do. I shouldn't really care at all, but somehow I do. I shouldn't feel a pang of jealousy, but hey I do. So instead I will listen to all the mixes I made for someone else, the ones I felt you didn't deserve to hear, and I will laugh and laugh until this summer is long behind me.

A shell of yourself

"Despite the walls you build,
i'm here.

you don't have to be
on your
own."

I am here, I have always been here, will always be.
I love you,
always.

Soundtrack to our drives

I listen to your favorite song on repeat, which has now become a song that I love too, the song shortens the time that has lapsed between us. This song has memory and sensory attachments, when we tried to imitate or explain what it was about Andrew Kenny's voice that we could not get enough of. He is the soundtrack to our drives.

at the time I thought it was for your own good but it was just for my own mind

"Cause when it's good
it's really good
But when it's bad
well, you know how it goes
'Cause we are alone
when we are together
We're each inside our own heads
we can be like this for hours
And we can be good, yeah
if we want to be good
If we try, I know that we can be good" Via Audio - We Can Be Good

This feeling, this feeling of feeling so much at one time is what I've been trying to get back to for over 2 years, this is what I want.







I'm always staring at your smile.

silvery arms

You said, "Let's come back in the winter."

You are good for me.

I think about you at night in the few moments before my eyes shut completely and there is something in your voice that creates a hole, I wait up for that noise...




...Your voice becomes my home.

I still got you to warm my breath.

I am not an angry person, or overly emotional for that matter. I am honest and I do not know how to play the games that all the other girls my age are so good at. I would not want to anyway, what is the point of pretending you are someone you are not? With false interests just to get someone else to pay you the slightest bit of attention for a little while, I'll tell you what this is, pointless. My head is full and my hands are empty, this is only temporary. I am sharing my personal space, my personal things, my thoughts are invaded by banging, shrilling and the fact that this was supposed to be temporary. Nothing can be what it seems when you are a liar, a cheater, and a wet blanket. Things are chaotic enough without another person, let alone a person with multiple personalities and a crazed stare. I know that there is that unspoken rule that family comes first, you should do anything to help out someone you share blood ties, but where do you draw the line? What happens if the family member's blood is cold and their heart is a fraction the size of mine? There is no resemblance in my eyes, we have nothing in common. Why do I owe you anything because we are related? I pick myself apart giving pieces and chunks to my friends, and my parents, because I do owe each of them time, love and whatever else they need.

compliance;

"Hours to waste turns into full weeks, then months, then into me
A life long disease"
Run in the Front - Dear and the Headlights

I can't sleep, I can't dream, I can't eat

" I know we won't want for much, It's just me and you and a bed
and a shoreline."

Last night I never went to bed
I laid my head to rest upon my pillow and started drifting in and
out of reality
I was talking, either out loud or it was a fragmentation of my mind,
I was talking to myself about my notes
atleast I think that's what I was talking about
I feel as if I'm wasting time whilst sleeping, coincidentally I also
feel like sleeping is a recluse, I can spend a little time out of my
mind
I don't dream, it's black, empty, comforting space.

sentimental

It's a metaphor for our whole relationship, whether friends, on whatever terms
I am just about to get out and you pull me back in, sealing the deal with a kiss.
I won't fight it, can't even imagine trying to fight you off and certainly don't want to.
The more we talk the more I'm convinced you are a science experiment, you have no flaws.
Just take me anywhere with you, push the cd in, close my eyes and roll down all the windows, letting the cool air flood the car, your hot breath in my ear. Where else would I want to be?

So sentimental.

Park that car, drop that phone

We were driving, and my mind was paralyzed. But, the quiet is so damn comforting. We sat side by side on the overpass, looking down at everyone else, I felt lucky to be so content and so far away. Displacement. I like how it feels when your arm is draped around my side, your hands in my hair and the wind chilling my bones. The only thing between us, is my pomegranate chap stick. We start driving again, and we make every excuse to miss my exit over and over again.
"in the night the city's quiet
from the rooftop we can see the moon rise high above the clouds
just enough light to see our faces give expression to the words we thought, but didn't speak
and then you asked me a question that i won't forget
even if i spend my life trying to live up to what it means"
Ida- Late Blues

and you are just a ;paperbook
lost at sea, drift to me.

I should know

I felt like not only did every last breath in my body get knocked out of me, but like the blood was drained, I sat there hugging myself, completely cold to the touch. I am asking too much, I'm going about it in all the wrong ways, why try winning when the game is rigged for me to lose? My chest felt sunken in, and you kept commenting on my black eyes and how I should sleep. Except when I tell you what keeps me up at night, what I was feeling at that moment you dismiss it. You had to put your foot down somewhere, what I want is irrelevant, not important. Who I have I become?

A silver lining; seperate thoughts

Yo quiero comenzar mi vida.

These past few months, no matter how stressful and disoriented I got I knew there had to be a something worth it, and today I found it at a table, surrounded by my family, and you. Celebrating a holiday that has no bearing or weight in any of our lives. Cooking together, laughing, and realizing how stupid I have been. It was the few and far between moments I should have analyzed instead of the bigger picture. And then you said it, the only thing I have wanted to hear, "well we've got a whole lot of time."

"hands down
i'm too proud for love
but with eyes shut
it's you i'm thinking of
but how we move from A to B?
it can't be up to me
'cause you don't know
eye to eye"
Drake and Lyyke Li - Little Bit

You get mistaken for a stranger by your own friends

Let's raise a glass to squalor, but more importantly incompetence.
I'm the incompetent one, because I just don't understand your ways.
You're the filth, the misery stricken.
I listen and while you are talking I'm having my own conversation with myself. A debate is going on between the rights and the wrongs, "what to say next, shit what am I going to say next. He just contradicted himself, did you hear that too?"
"God, now I need to think of something else."
I look up and a pair of eyes are boring into me. I get a little fidgety, realizing the long pause is being extended because I have to reply with something witty, something interesting, it's what is expected. I can't ever just say, "well that's true. I see what you are trying to get across."
Who needs a degree? I'm already everyone's personal psychologist, and on my downtime I double as a chameleon. Whatever you need me to be, I am.

I fear that the sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear into the haze of the city

I finally realized what my problem is, it's the fact that I am too nice, I let people back in my life that I never should have talked to that first day so many months or years ago. I am the better person in most of my relationships, I am the better friend in the friendships I have. I don't just talk, I mostly listen. I don't break plans, I'm not secretive or conniving, I'm respectful and I will tell you my honest opinion without inflicting any pain at all. I guess I'm one of kind, I must be the only one. I understand you can't go through life as a hermit, interactions and relationships are important if you want survive. I hate that the one thing you want to be normal you won't even consider working at. Where did the compromise go? I just had a conversation with myself out loud and I talked about how I have no conscience when it comes to you, I don't feel an ounce of regret, at this point I am going to do what I have to do in order to keep my sanity, I deserve to be happy. What you don't deserve is my time. I used to consider you one of the best things that ever happened to me but I guess time happens, some of us grow up and we know who has our best interest in mind. Others are still trying to impress people who don't give a fuck. What happened to the girl with the bright eyes and who cared more about friendships than keeping up with the joneses? I never thought I would say this, but I have to agree that the city has changed you. I have to say I've never seen you look so good, but it kills me that you are putting up fronts. Stop worrying and let what will be, just be.

The moment I let go was the moment that I got more than I could handle

I don't believe in planning your life over twenty years ahead, to me this is not something I can comprehend. I kind of see it as pointless, you leave no room to let things take their own course, there is no room for error. I like change, I like good unexpected occurrences, and I like learning to deal with what doesn't destroy will eventually make me stronger. The whole time I'm listening to your sonnet, that is your existence, I'm wondering where I fit into this. And I start feeling like I'm not so sure I want to fit into your perfectly methodical equation. You're a problem solver concrete and purely factual. I'm a free spirit, I am analytical but I look at things a little more abstract than most.
But, there are these pair of eyes I can't get out of my mind. Without them I become a cynical bitch to say the least. I think about them and everything slowly gets a little less serious, a little easier to decipher.

3:33 am

In the early hours of the day are when I miss you most, I just want to be around you, for you to be near me. You ask what I'm worried about most, do I worry for selfish reasons? Of course I do, I am so damn lonely and you are the only person that appreciates my anxiousness and eccentricities every single day. I am worried about cutting the cord to find you are what keeps me sane, I should be able to function on my own. Where do you start? Where do I end? What really scares me is the person that you could possibly become. Will all your original theories be lost? Will you be tainted by all that you will see? You scorned me yesterday, telling me I can't have an opinion I did not participate. But people who have been there are supposed to tell you it's not that bad, it's their job, it's all in the paperwork. You're becoming federal property. You tell me I can brag about what you're doing over there, but I've never been the bragging type. I always thought this was a joke that you could never be serious about it, tomorrow you'll decide.
"You are all I have here, I don't have anything waiting for me."

I try to argue with you, I lay on my side and the tears from my left eye fall into my right. I yell, but no sound comes out. I consider my own major choices, should I just pack up and leave to San Francisco? Should I just get away from everything and everyone on the East Coast? I can't help to think I might be better off being entirely disconnected. I read through your papers, it says you are signing up for 6-8 years, you did not tell me this. I wonder if the people that you talked to are telling you even the slightest truth. We sit in the car driving through the back roads to Salmon River, my arms are folded and I'm looking out the window. You keep talking about the benefits, this will help you get ahead. You get frustrated because I don't have a distinct stance on anything, I'm passive. I tell you to just stop bringing it up, I want to have a normal day. Hours later the sun fades into a million colors and you ask me if I just want to keep driving, I say yes.

c.e,

When you hear a name or a word you instantly connect to an image, a sound, a smell, or even a long line of words strung together haphazardly in your extensive bank of memories. I hear yours and lately my mind has been redirected to combative masculinity, I sleep with you at night in the form of wearing your shirts, it's like I'd rather have this form of you than to be with you in person. The idea of you is more conducive. I feel guilty because when I have talked about you lately I have taken such a tone that makes me ill, and I hate myself for it. You have no knowledge of any of this and I'm thankful. I am dishonest, and I have prided myself for years on being able to unwillingly always tell the truth, but I think this is the one time that I will lie and carry it around always. What I did was wrong, there are no excuses and to think about you committing this act would induce such unfathomable rage. I am a hypocrite, but I feel like this month will have soon melted away with the rest of this winter's snow. I can start anew, I can make it up to you, unknowingly. I just looked at my cell phone and there was a note. I put it there after a long day spent with you over a cup of coffee and winter's leftovers. I want to really feel for real, it shouldn't matter anyway. The only person I have been hiding from is myself.

And it just feels good when you're waking up
And it just feels good when you're next to me
And it just feels good when you're coming home
And it just feels good when you're waking up

And I've become just like a chemical stress
Tracing the lines of my face for
Something more beautiful than is there
I've barely been gone

And I'm not a failure, I swear

I wish you could see it from over there

I've got a lot over here without you
I've barely been gone

Gone dreaming

This is everything that I am right now, completely infinite in this second

____ is ____

Late and cold we wander; smell of sale and cumber walks.
The faster we go the quicker we'll end.
Beige-backed jumpers scared from those crooked stares, proved wrong
On public roads named by our attic air.
Tada to town light fire
Forks in the road we're not, spoons more so we're caught.
This town is dead from too much living, let's make our ending from new beginnings.

I think of you in colors that don't exist

We pour over each other, words bouncing off each other.
I felt so close to everyone last night, everyone except for you.
Could it have been the smoke, or the tapestries?
Was it the unfinished industrial lavatory?
Tell me, what made you get lost in yourself, to dig that hole?
You said that we were in a hell hole, well "our hell is the good life."
You are good enough.
I know you say that your intelligence is all that you have, but it doesn't have to be
There is so much more.
I see you in colors that don't exist, I can't describe your face, I can't describe all that you are to me.
I want to document what it is that lies between us.

"oh god it's wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much"
Excerpt from Frank O'Hara 'Steps'

Inconclusive IVD

I'm laying on a metal bed and the attendant is poking my arm trying to find a good vein. I start to cry a little I'm tired of the tests, no answers, inconclusives. She finally finds a good vein, she tells me what will happen once they put they dye into my bloodstream. I don't say anything. I lay there in an empty room hooked up to machines and I stare at the cracked ceiling. The bad plaster does not comfort me, no one holds my hand. They tell me when to breathe, they run their tests. My mouth tastes only like metallic, my legs feel like ants are running through my veins. I'm so damn tired, I haven't eaten in 48 hours. I don't want to move. After several hours, I pick myself up hoping this will be the last time I will be meeting with doctors, specialists, having appointments, having disappointments.

I will get answers.

I wait in another room, I fiddle my thumbs, I rest my head on my Dad's shoulder he tells me to go to sleep. They come back and tell me it's inconclusive, it's not my kidney's this time. Next step is to meet with my regular doctor, meet a new specialist, go to another hospital, more absence.

Absence;

Devotion no matter what the cost

I just want to be back sitting over the edge of that porch watching the swells and the moon. I want to be talking about nonsense and have you understand everything I'm saying because your eyes are so fixated on my mouth. I knew you understood, I threw my head back and laughed so hard as we spun around. Your friend dared me to run right into the waves and I did. We drove for four consecutive hours, not once stopping. We took every scenic route because we didn't have commitments, we worried about no one. Detaching ourselves from our pathetic existences back home. There always seems to be so much promise in the middle of the night, we have aspirations and dreams we don't talk about during the day. Afraid they will die when the sun rises.

Sans hermit

What it must feel like not to be so manic.
Oui.

what holds me up is gonna burn me in the turnaround

I had a dream where I went to your room
and I cut off my hand
and I let go of the blood
what were you thinking?
and were you just tired?
I was holding your hand while
you pushed the wheel forward all the way
falling like an aeroplane

Everything will wait as long as it has to it and it will

Call off all of your bets.